It was a beautiful day (re-post)

It was a beautiful day in NYC, blue sky with a few wisps of clouds.

I took the train into the city as per usual, but I was by myself. Dad had to go to a funeral and would be on a later train.

Instead of heading to my office , I went to my doctor's office.
I wrote this two years ago...

It was there that I heard whispers "Planes….World Trade Center"
It was in my doctor's office when he came in and told me what happened.

I had to head to mid-town, the subways were empty as they passed by, finally one stopped
I headed to Herald Square and walked towards 5th
My cell phone did not work

It was on 34th and 5th that I saw tower 1 fall
It was there that traffic stopped…the world stopped
It was there that I heard silence and screams in a matter of seconds
It was there that the woman standing next to me fell on her knees and the man next to me started to cry
All in front of the Empire State Building…the tallest building on that island.

I ran across the street that was motionless to my office a few doors down

I walked in and all my co-workers were on the phone and watching the TV.
We had only 5 working lines
I had 7 messages on my phone
My friend could not find her husband, an NYPD officer
My co-worker could not get in touch with her friends that worked downtown
My other co-worker remembered that his cousin was in the building

It was there when I called my mom and finally got her
I was in the office when I heard her say "Your father went in to the office after the first plane hit, he has to check on his staff"
A few moments later "Tower two fell
My dad worked in tower two.

My VP walked out and told us that he was leaving the city and we all could go
My boss and I went to Grand Central to find it closed with police all around
"Harlem", I said," we have to make it to Harlem"

We took a bus to Harlem
It was packed, people wanted out of the city
People were crying
People in private cars, pulled over and let pedestrians into their cars
Strangers were crying and hugging each other on the streets
People just stopped to stare

There was the train at Harlem to take me home
It was standing room only
People in the vestibule were listening to the radio
We heard….Pentagon…plane down in Pennsylvania….terror….World Trade Center
I got home at around 2:13 in the afternoon
We had 21 messages on our answering machine.

The phone rang within minutes of me getting home
My aunt began to cry when she heard my voice

I turned on the TV and paced
I was in shock
I called my friends who I knew had family and loved ones in that area
I took messages for my mom
I had no idea where my dad was

A half hour later, he walked through the door, slightly covered in some dust

For 100 days there was dust, smoke and a smell that you can't ever get out of your skin and to this day, the memory burns my nose
Sirens were a constant but when it reached a certain pitch, I began to shake still

It was like a dream, a bad dream
The stories came pouring out with the tears, some of luck others of misfortune
My friend's sister was ok
My friends husband was at fashion week in Bryant Park so he was not patrolling downtown
My other co-worker lost 5 friends and spend days looking for her former fiancée in all the area hospitals… she found him a few days later with short term memory loss
My co-worker's cousin was found alive and was the last one of the survivors to leave the hospital

But there were people who lost their spouse, partner, friend, child, parent
Pets lost their mom and dads

I have not worn the beige blazer that I had on that day ever again.

But that is all I remember.

Still

Still here

Still standing (barely)

Still interviewing

Still spending a lot of time waiting

Still having nightmares

Still going to the gym

Still considering canceling my trip in a few weeks

Still freaking out

Still hoping

Facing the uncertain reality

I have a tolerance for small doses of patience. I can sit patiently at the DMV or the doctors office. when they are running late but, sitting around waiting for the phone to ring is something that is running my patience down.

Since April I have had a number of interviews or rather conversations with recruiters. Some pop up with this great job that I would be perfect for and then I never hear back or I hear back get an interview with the client and never hear back or I hear back with some opportunity that turns into a dead end. I have had a handful of interviews all but one has been a result of my applications directly to the source rather than a recruiter.

But every conversation or interview ends with, we'll let you know in about two weeks. Most of the time they disappear off the face of the planet or respond with the position was dropped or the position was filled after I call or email.

I have been getting calls since the beginning so my resume is doing its job. But nothing has happened and I am losing my patience. Or rather it is fear, fear of not paying my bills, not contributing to the house hold, not being able to participate in activities. It has been hard and upsetting. Each day I sit down and spend hours on job boards, applying (and in some cases re-applying) for positions, reaching out to network contacts and just getting sadder and more panicked at the end of the day.

There have been weeks that I get out of the house to go to the gym or run errands and other weeks that I don't (Partly thanks to a really sprained wrist that still has not healed after a month). I think in terms of goods rather than money, for example, a shirt that I see for sale is worth a portion of my grocery bill or gas or prescription costs. My attitude towards spending money has gotten so conservative. When my car got broken into, I cried more for the fact that I have to pay to get the glass replaced and that money was embarked for a bill.

Things are going to change in a month when the income is tighter. In my mind, I have a list of expenses that I can cut or reduce to cover the bills. My upcoming vacation is just going to be me on the beach. I can't afford to take the paddleboard classes or snorkel adventures that I was looking forward too. And it upsets me but, it is the reality of being unemployed.

Who knows maybe one of my recent interviews will turn into job position. But I have to be ready for them not to and work on my plan B. In April, I did not expect to still be here jobless but more so I did not expect to be depressed and on the verge of panic attacks either.

the en with the good

So an update on my interview, it went well and the job was not as bad as I though however, it is still not what I want to be doing. They did mention this intensive 5-6 week training that is mandatory and the problems with that is that my vacation is in the middle of that. So while they really liked me the vacation was a deal killer so I did not get to the next round. And I am ok with that, I did not burn any bridges and I can keep looking for something more appealing to me.

I had a few interviews and chats with rewriters since then so at least I am getting calls. I just hoe that there is something out there soon.

On to happier news, Hubs and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend. This year had some up and some downs and there was a rough patch but, looking back it made us more committed to not just each other but making our relationship work better. IT has taught us how to value each other, built trust and increase communication.

This year, hubs decided to make the weekend full of surprises. He did not tell me what or where were may be going until the day before. So On Friday we went to see Cirque Du Soleil OVO. It It was just spectacular. Saturday we went to dinner at one of my most favorite restaurants for tapas. Sunday he booked us a couples massage where we found our Zen. Monday was our actual anniversary and he gave me some pretty presents.

On Sunday night, we had tickets to see Paul McCartney. I have always wanted to see him and when the opportunity came up I jumped at the tickets. I was determined to get them. He was utterly amazing. He just played for three hours and there were times that I had tears in my eyes because I was just so overwhelmed. To say I loved it is an understatement.

Source

So who is on your concert bucket list?

Riding the wave

Two weeks ago, I had four interviews, four. Two with recruiters and two with actual companies, I felt so positive and hopeful.

Out of those four turned into something but, it has left a bitter taste in my mouth. The recruiter's minion called me a day after the interview and asked what I t bought. I said that I was not too happy with the pay and the job is not really what I want to do. But, I was willing to speak to the client to see if maybe they could better describe it. This assistant just went from nice to rude in seconds. She starts saying that obviously I am not serious about my job search, that I may never have another opportunity like this again, how do I like not working etc?

My mouth hit the floor and I was just so pissed off. I kept my cool, corrected many of her assumptions and stood my ground. I was just so turned off by her and at the company.

Ironically, they met my salary requests and I have an interview with the client on Wednesday. One thing remains and it is the fact that the position is not what I want to do. It is what I did years ago and got burned out on. It is the reason I got my M.B.A, to get out of that dead end job. I did it, I was great at it but I don't want to do it again.

So now I am on the fence (assuming I get an offer) do I take it or not. Sure I can take it and keep looking but at the same time, I know that it will suck the life out of me. There is no way around that. I will be so unhappy doing it and I don't want to be stuck. Sure it may lead to different positions and up the chain but, I want to project manage. I love that and this position is not it not even close. Plus, I get paid hourly with no sick, holiday, vacation pay.

I am trying not to get ahead of myself but, I am so confused. My husband is supportive if I want the job or not but I see his panic when we talk about what happens in a few months. We'll be ok but it will be hard, we will have to scrimp more and cut more things out.

But is it worth my mental well being? I guess everything has a price. I am having nightmares, I am panicking, I am going though books, CDs, clothes to see if I can sell them.

I hate this ride so much, I want it to end. I want this to be okay. I just hate this!

Good, Meh and Networking

I haven't been by in a while. There are a few things that are going on some have been good and some meh. So here are the bullets:

Good

-Went to Pride this year for the first time in seven years. Hubs and I had fun but we won't go again for a while, it was hot and crowded and I got this weird sunburn. We had more fun with our neighbors at the local Pride North street fare where we hung out with some of our friends listening to this very cool 80s cover band.

-Got Tickets to see Paul McCartney. He has been on my concert bucket list for years and when I heard that he was going to play Wigley Field, I HAD to go. I was able to score a few tickets and to say I am excited is a major understatement

-We had amazing weather for the four of July weekend. So on Saturday we had a BBQ with neighbors and friends, I made s'more cookies from the recipe that CBN had given me. They were a huge hit and my husband went bragging into work yesterday that I had to make more so he can take them in.

-I had an interview, I think it went well but it is the waiting game at this point. I am not getting my hopes too high because I then crash hard if it does not go the way I hoped that it would.

Meh

-Still not working, it has gotten to me but I have pretty much accepted it for what it was. People keep telling me it can take up to a year. That freaks me out. I am still having nightmares about being laid off again or not paying our bills.

-My career councilor wants me to network but that is so hard for me. I have a limited circle of friends here and I am not outgoing to say to a stranger"Hey how are you? I am unemployed..." Any ideas? I have joined meet up and Linked in groups

-My husband has a lot of travel coming up and I am not thrilled. He wanted me to go with him but he will be in meetings all day so I will be alone and I would have to pay for airfare and eats and right now spending is not my objective.

-To the last point, my husband will be traveling on our anniversary so he will miss it. Boo on him. My neighbors are going to take me out to celebrate and although it takes two men to replace him, I am looking forward to the cocktails and the fun.

-My car got broken into last week. The ass hats took a dog carrier. So that was a fun jaunt to a shady section of Chicago to get my window replaced. Although it was not bad, it was money that I needed elsewhere

So what is good and meh with you?

the latest and somewhat greatest

It has been a while since I have blogged. I kind of had a moment where there were not so many things to blog about. I am still looking for a job, still applying daily, still had a few phone interview that went nowhere and still freaking out.

But in spirt of all that, I have been finding some positive things even or more precisely, making positive things happen.

The first and long lasting is that we adopted a cat. After losing Chaplin in December we missed having a cat around. He was a sweet guy who we still miss daily. But after a few weeks of me begging, the Hubs agreed that maybe it was time and we can look at cats. So off we went to our favorite no kill shelter to look at cats. We know that cats choose you rather than you choosing them, so we went in with an open mind and with the knowledge that we may not find the right one. We started with the younger ones and got to play with some older kittens. Then we walked into another room with a friendly cat and a very shy one. Then we walked into the room with the teenagers. Hubs was having a blast playing with this one cat. I sat down on a chair and within a second, this head popped up and slowly crawled into my lap and promptly got comfortable. I began to pet her and the purrs were non stop. I whispered to the Hubs that she may be the one. So we traded places and she made herself comfy on his lap without the purrs letting up. She was ours.

So we adopted her, came home and she primly hid in our kitchen for a few hours. We turned out sunroom/office into her room and put a baby gate in to prevent the dogs from getting into her space. We covered the gate with cardboard so that they all could be aware of each other's presence but not overwhelm anyone. Within a few days, we removed the cardboard so they can see and sniff each other. She was not a fan of the dogs and hid in a covered space. Slowly we added chairs to each side of the gate so she can come out if she wanted to. A few days later I woke up to a kitty on my head.

She has come out of her shell and is out more and hiding less. She is still a bit cautious around the dogs but, each day they are sitting closer and closer to each other. I must say, that I am proud of the dogs, they have respected her space and leave her alone. Although Rosie tests the limits (and has gotten waked a few times).

So we have to announce that Jade has joined our family! (I will post a photo soon)

The other happy happy joy joy news is that we are going on vacation. Last year we were fortunate enough to go to Hawaii and had an amazing time. We wanted to go back and earlier this year we were considering it but the flights were so expensive. A few weeks ago, Hubs forwarded me a link and the flights were cut by more than half. So it became an option. I posted on FB to see if anyone wanted to join us and in seconds my friend said yes. She moved back to the east coast from Chicago early this year and we miss each other. Turns out that she and her husband have a timeshare credit to use and Hawaii was an option. After a few calls, looking on line and discussing the options with the men in our lives. We pulled the trigger and the four of us are meeting up in Oahu! Oh and I will be celebrating my birthday there!

We are so excited because we all need a break, the stress of not finding work has pushed me dangerously close to the edge. The hubs has been frustrated with the traits and turns his job is taking. The two of us budgeted for a trip and this one worked within our means. So the stars lined up for us, even if it was just for a moment and life (and its disappointments) goes on.

a dose of sanity

Since the lay off, I have been very strict to maintain a schedule. I get up early take the girls out, and a few times a week head to the gym and run errands. Then in the afternoon, I apply for positions. If I deviate from the routine, I find my self feeling bad, or rather I have more negative thoughts than positive. I get very down and discouraged on myself and my situation.

I did not realize how necessary a schedule is for my sanity. But it really has become a saving grace for me. The weather has helped too, forcing me outside for long walks along the lakeshore and more pleasurable doggy jaunts. The situation is rough and there are days that are rougher than others but, I am trying to stay positive.

Although I still want to get back to work as soon as possible, spending the day working on me is not so bad either.

The Greater Good

Sometime we have to take one for the team for the potential of the "greater good" and for me that sometimes is now. I am not pleased with something that is going on and yesterday I had a huge vent about it with Hubs. It was filled with sadness, anger, frustration and self pity something everyone wants to come home with. But it is something that I *have* to do if only for a possible shot at reaching a goal.

After my meltdown, I picked myself up and will move on. My new reality is just forming a new habit and it is something that I will get used to doing but not liking.

I just want some good to happen. Some good news, some happy news about anything, I am tired of all the bad crap that has been going on lately with the job, the funeral, the weather and some other crap. So I am trying to find the good in baby steps, a dose of sunshine, my puppies, my new and improved sunroom filled with plants.

All I want is some good to happen. Tell me something good maybe it will rub off on me.

(I do apologize for the vagueness of what is going on but, I really don't want to go into the details right now it is a self preservation thing>)

Bookends

I am coming to realize that I am entering a strange part of my life at this point in time. While friends are getting married, having babies they are also dealing with sick parents and ultimately death. The media has coined the phrase "the bookend" generation, to describe those who are taking care of their kids and their parents.

Late last week, my sister in law lost her father, it was both unexpected and tragic. He was a very nice guy and he loved his family and his new grandbabies. This loss has shaken both Hubs and I because it made us realize that we will be in that same boat one day. Hubs lost his mother a number of years before we met and had some experience empathizing in a different way than I. Yet, the two of us realize that as we are getting old so are our parents. Since I only see my mom and dad a few times a year, I am often struck about how much older they look each time that I see them. My father in law also is getting older and has started to mention that his eye sight i getting weaker. It is not easy to see, in fact, I try to deny that it i happening even though I know it can't be denied.

I have a number of friends who have lost one or both their parents. It amazes me how they were able to deal with that because it can't be an easy thing. I know that my dearest friend still has issues about that and it comes bubbling up at different points where it leaves her in tears.

Basically, I am thinking (or maybe preparing) myself for the eventual day where decisions have to be made, decisions that I don't want to be made (thankfully they are decisions that all our parents have made via their wills).

I guess it is making me feel more grown up than I want to be.

Making the best of it

It has been a bit strange to be not working. At first it felt like I had a day or two off. I was productive and got things around the house done and they as the week progressed it got weird, it hit me that I did not have a job to go back to. I have slowly been getting used to the new (abet temporary) reality.

The main thing that is keeping me on schedule is getting up early in the morning, walking the dogs, applying for jobs, running errands, going to the gym. I have to make it a point to actually get out of the house rain or shine. Otherwise, I find myself just sitting at home wasting time. I have my to do list and am ploughing my way through it and now that the weather has improved there are a lot of seasonal projects popping up.

This morning I had an interview with a recruiter and I have been telling friends, family and neighbors that I am looking for a job. I am also shopping to updated interview clothes. I have not found too much, possibly because I am not sure what one wears to interviews anymore. What do you think would work?

I think that this is a way that the universe is telling met o chill out but, I am a bit any to start working again.

The cage is open and I am ready to fly

So as I alluded to in previous posts I was wondering what was happening to my job and now it is over.

I was laid off today.

And I am ok (so far), it is a kind of relief I am no longer waiting to see what was going to happen. I am no longer jumpy every time my phone rang or got an email notice. It is going to be so weird not having job to go to tomorrow morning after all I have been working since I graduated college.

Hubs thinks that this is a great thing and that good things that will happen. He, my family and some friends are thinking that I will find another job that will appreciate me and my skills. So I have polished up my resume and am looking at networking opportunities. (If anyone knows a good headhunter/recruiter let me know.)

Tomorrow I plan on getting some things organized and I have a long list of things to do at home and classes at the gym that I want to take advantage of.

So sure I am a bit freaked out but, there will be good things happening. I got plans, I will be ok...all will be well.

Fingers crossed.

The Start of Spring Fever

The weather in Chicago has taken a beautiful turn and the sun has been out and the temps are rising. So the dogs have a dose of Spring fever and it is contagious.

We are going to finally paint the bathroom this weekend. I am so excited for that to happen. We did the paint test and used three samples of yellow to figure out what color and we immediately decided on a lovely rich butter yellow color. In the next few weeks we will do our bedroom and we decided on this light silver color. I am sure by the time it is all over, we will be all painted out.

We are also starting to plan out our sunroom and how it will become the office. It is a small space and we are working on possibilities so it has been a bit of a challenge but it seems that we are on the same page.

Our nephew came home last week after 23 days in NICU. According to his mom, she is thrilled to have him home and at this point does not mind being sleep deprived and walking into doors. We are hoping to visit with them this weekend.

Also, thank you so much for suggestions that you made for the care box. I am currently collecting some items and will be including some music, socks and other lovely things.

Care package

About 10 weeks ago a friend and co worker suffered a stroke. It left her in a coma and on a ventilator for about four of those weeks. She had countless surgeries to drain fluid in her brain. I lost count after five shunts that they had to put in her brain.

After a transfer to another hospital, she began to come out of her coma three weeks ago. She is now breathing on her own, has limited mobility on her right side, has made attempts at speech and can smile and follow you with her eyes.

Since she across the country I want to send her a care package. Here are some things that I want to include:

Cozy cute colorful socks

Hand and body lotion

lip balm

Big jumbo crayons and art paper (she use to watercolor)

I want to send her positive colorful things but things that she can use in the rehab facility.

Any ideas on what else I can send?

Thank you but no

I heard back from the job and got a "thanks but, no thanks" or a GFY letter. It was a disappointment and I got upset about it. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten quite a number of them and after a while it gets to you. I know that the job market is competitive and rough with so few jobs, too many applicants, people who will take less salary or had a different set of experiences.

Still, I am trying to stay positive and feed myself the tidbits like "It was not meant to be", "there are other jobs out there", "the job did not fit you" but it is hard to take it and stay in a positive state of mind.

My current job is just making me feel so useless. While I can't get into the details it is sufficient to say that there are a lot of changes that have happened and the powers that be don't fully get our niche and are imposing a vision that just does not fit. With this new power change, my role has yet to be utilized and I see it no longer existing. My projects have all but dried up and I sit there doing very little if anything at all. I want to be busy, I want to be utilized I want to feel accomplished.

But most of all, I want a new job.

Bits and bobs

It has been a few weeks since I blogged and here are some snippets of what has been going on:

Last week I applied for a job that I would be great at, it combines my two main job experiences into a unique role. I am still waiting to hear back but I have my fingers crossed. My current job is less than stellar on so many fronts.

I became an aunt, a few weeks earlier than expected. The Hubs' brother and his wife welcomed a baby boy last week. The baby and mom are doing well, he is going to spend at least another 10 days in NICU.

We are starting to plan our vacation(s) this year and are looking at few places including San Francisco, Boston/NH and Miami. On the long "would be nice list" we have Spain, England, Ireland, Virgin Islands and Italy. So the research has begun.

Our taxes are done and can we say helloooooooooo refund.

So what is going on in your world?

Digging out

So I am sure everyone has heard of the top three blizzard that hit the Chicagoland area last week. Hubs and I hunkered down and rode it out. We are both fortunate to be able to telecommute so we were able to remain functional in our sweats and only venturing out to take the dogs out.

Yukon was in snow heaven, she adores this type of weather and was so happy to be able to bounce around in the white goodness. Rosie, not so much, even in her pink coat and her shoes, she was not a happy camper. Wednesday morning, she had to be carried out because the snow was taller than she was. So each walk consisted of one good dog who went immediately and one dog who did not, thus requiring many more walks and each walk with a plea to "do business" even bribery of treats did not always work. So subsequently, there was some extra laundry last week.

We dug out the car a little each day. The plow finally came down our street on Friday. I was all set to go to work today but I have been having a case of the dizzies. It probably was best to work from home today.

Well spring is 5 weeks away and I can not wait!

Furniture and an insight

So since I last left you we finally pulled the trigger and got our bedroom furniture. We went to ten stores since November and had countess discussions. On Saturday we went and rented a van to pick up our purchases and over the past few days, Hubs has been assembling and moving the heavy big stuff in and out of the bedroom. Right now, our condo is a bit of mess, with boxes and odd furniture pieces here and there but, after this weekend with my planned purge and organization everything will be back in its place and we will have a new looking condo (well at least two rooms) until we decide to paint which will be in the spring.

My goal is to be focused on keeping the house tidy and clean because when it is messy and chaotic it makes me stressed and a bit crazy. Then that feeling on top of the craziness that is my job and some other life issues have put me close to the edge. Last week, after getting some not so great news, I just has a meltdown which is a combo of shutting down and crying a pure basic pity party. Except I have been having them more often than not and I realized that misery love misery and I can continue down this path or I can change it. So after a long talk with Hubs, we have decided to start doing thing that make us happy to attract more happy and positive things. Sure there are situations outside our sphere of influence but, we can change ourselves.

Granted, this is not a huge revelation but, the changing anything including our mid set will be an undertaking. I am feeling better about things and yes, things still bum me out but I am trying to spin them into good things. It works on more situations that it used to.

Also, I know that I have not commented on some of your blogs as much as I used to. I am still reading and in fact star number that I mean to comment on. Work has become big brother and I have not been on the computer when I get home lately. I will catch up soon.

2011 Condo to do list

With the new year came a list of things that we hope to accomplish in 2011 in our condo. So far the first two weeks of the year have been productive. We purchased a rug for our living room and an affordable one at that. This weekend we had our backsplash installed with the help of a friend or ours. Actually, Hubs and our friend did most of the work. I just picked up lunch. But the backsplash looks amazing and we are happy with the results.

The rest of the list we hope to get done throughout the year they include:

-getting a humidifier installed

-paint the bathroom

-re-do the office

The one that we though would be easy but has turned into such a project is finding a bedroom set. We have looked but have not found any that is within our budget and that is stylish. Any ideas??

A fond farewell

The last few months of 2010 sucked. There is no other way to wrap it up other than saying it sucked. It started with Hubs in the hospital and then just rolled on. I was looking forward to saying a fond fair well in 2010 saying good bye to the suck and looking forward to a fresh start a new year with new possibilities.

But 2010 did no go quietly, when we though that it could not get any worse...it did. On Christmas day, while we were in NY our cat Chaplin passed away at the age of 7. To say we are devastated is an understatement. He got ill before we left and we went to the vet, they told us he was sick with kidney disease and we made plans to have him see a specialist when we got back. Our pet sitter sent us daily email updates but, he did not make it and it just crushed us. My heart is broken and we miss him so much. The to top that off, we got stuck in NY for an additional two days thanks to the blizzard and we were going stir crazy. We just wanted to get home.

When we finally did, we were greeted by two happy dogs but Chaplin's presence was missing. We were all missing him. I catch myself trying to find him or one of the dogs is looking for him. And then it hits you, he is gone.

I was never a cat person and he was a compromise with Hubs. Yet, once he picked us out because he did, we were hooked. Chaplin was a sweet, funny, loving , patient and brave boy who fast became part of us.

We are missing him so much

So while 2011 has unlimitless possibilities. I am finding it hard to close the door on all the crap that was 2010.