making it about us

Relationships are hard, they ebb and flow they get crossed up in the cross hairs of arguments, laughter, communications and silence.

Marriages fall into that category, except perhaps they are a bit more complicated because you add this layer of intimacy or rather many layers of intimacy. It is a sacred friendship, one that you don't have with your parents, your siblings or your friends, it is a different creature..

So when your marriage is rocked or when your world is broken, how can you deal? How do you deal?

Right now, things are rough. Our world has been rocked, our life turned on its head and we are trying to each figure out what to do.

I came very close so close to walking away. That would have been the easy thing to do. But when something means so much to you, you fight. The things that matter are worth fighting for. And regardless of the outcome, we tried and we fought to stay together, to rebuild.

He and I want to become "us" again. It is not going to be simple nor quick but we want "us" back and are each willing to fight for "us" to exist.

We started therapy tonight and I feel a bit better. I have some glimmer of hope that this hiccup in our relationship will make us stronger. There will be a lot of work to do, more tears to be shad, thoughts to be thought. But we can only try to make "us" whole again.

I wanted to thank you for all your support. The comments, text messages, calls and email were so appreciated. When you go through this, you can easily feel isolated and alone but, I feel connected to you all and I thank you. It means so much!

I am also keeping the cause of this rough patch to myself (our self) I consider it a part of what we have to deal with and want to work on it rather than expose it. Maybe one day I will but for now, it is the catalyst to change.

Lemonaide...and lemons

The past few days have been a hazy reminder of how good things can be stopped short by an unexpected dose of reality.

Things have been going really well on the wedding planning front. We asked the BF's niece to be a junior bridesmaid (I told her mom the whole story which involved my soon to be ex sister in law backing out of the wedding) and she is very excited. Her first question was what she was to do with her hair. We are going to pair her up with her favorite uncle so that sweetened the deal! We are so happy she will participate. The BF also picked up his groomsman gifts and started to get ready for his trip this coming weekend.

On Saturday, I was getting ready for a facial when I got a text from the BF, it was a text to call him immediately after the facial. Of course, that is never a good thing so I called and it turned out his brother was in the hospital. So after an hour of pampering I headed to the hospital. His brother was in his room and was not looking that good but the prognosis was better and they are working on getting him back on his feet. So most of Saturday and yesterday we were in the hospital hanging out with him, his finance and his dad. We know he will be ok since yesterday he was sarcastic, surly and funny, so he is back. Plus his color has returned. Today they are planning another test to rule out a few more things and he should be home tomorrow.

So we did not get part of our honey do list but we spent the weekend with family and when the chips are down, we will always pull together.

Unless you are one of the future brother in law's who I seriously want to hit….more on that later.

EX does not mark the spot!

I ordered two pairs of shoes from a company that specializes in people with smaller feet. Since they are such a niche company things sell out fast and once I got the catalogue I drooled from page one until that last page. But I have to be rational and narrow it down. So from 5 I picked 3 and then from those three I picked two and could not decide between the two so I decided to get both.

I could justify them because I can use them for parties and showers. Plus one pair may be used in our engagement photo session and one pair will be perfect with my rehearsal dinner dress and another dress that I plan to wear to the BF's brother's wedding in October. Of course they will come with me to Paris and Barcelona and I have some outfits that will work with them. So I have definite plans for them.

Fed Ex however has decided that my shoes will be delayed. Due to the service selected they only delivery between Tuesday and Saturday. Ok I am fine with that after all they are coming to my office so I know that I will get them. The problem that I have is that they come after business hours so we are closed. So I call them today to ask them to put a note that advises the local depot of our hours. They can't do that!

I worked in customer service and I worked in a business that deals with similar not the same customer request. There was always a way that we could take changes of info and pass it along to our vendors. Vendors prefer to be kept informed. So it is understandable why I am unhappy with Fed Ex's service right now. So much for customer service.

I will be so pissed if my shoes get returned.

Playing by the rules

Sometimes playing by the rules sucks.

With all the talk and buzz about the stimulus package and deals for homeowners we were hoping that there was a way we can benefit. The BF being the tax and numbers guy that he is started crunching numbers and figuring out if we can benefit from a lower rate and the answer is…probably not Collectively we make too much, but I on my own may be able to qualify but as both of our names are on the mortgage we are thinking that it will make it null and void.

So because we saved. had very good credit, put a down payment, elected to have a traditional mortgage and bought a place that was lower than our pre-qualifying amount we get no benefits. We have a decent interest rate and have paid our mortgage on time and still have very good credit we don't qualify. Why because as the numbers point out, we live within our means, of course this does not take into account, student loans, car payments, and other debt.

Yes, we would like to have a lower interest which would result in a few hundred dollars a month thus preventing us from dipping into savings account too many times to count but we may not qualify because we played by the rules. So technically, we should have bought a place beyond our means, default on a few mortgage payments, made no or very little down payment and ruin our credit….then we would qualify

The full rules come out on March 4th so there may be a slim chance that we may be able to squeak by, But in the mean time we are going to send an email to our senator (the one who was voted in not the one who is now under a cloud of "we knew it, you liar" doubt)

Fingers crossed!

Grrrr

Well, it appears that my afternnon flight has been canceled and I've been re-booked for an evening something flight. So that means I get in late and to the hotel even later. the whole reason I booked the afternoon flight is so that I did not have to drive in the dark and so I can get a good night sleep before my morning meeting.

The reason...too much air traffic in the NY Metropolitian area.

Grrr.

To calm myself I am going to Portillo's for lunch. I think that is a reasonable tool of comfort!

Smothered

Part of the reason that I am starting to get stressed out during the wedding planning is in dealing with my parents. The BF and I had some ideas that were quickly dismissed by my parents and everything we do or talk about garners a flood of opinions most of which are in direct opposition of what we want.

They have a way of treating me like I am 12 they neglect to look at the fact that I have not lived under their roof in a number of years. They forget that I moved half way across the country, purchased my first car, my first home and have a MBA without their assistance.

Instead they talk to me like I have not considered all the options and balk at some ideas that may be out of the norm. Heaven forbid we get married on a Friday, we will be asking too much from people to travel (even though midweek airfare is cheaper!), we can't have a reception in a "loft" how will people get from their hotel to the venue, what if they drink? (we were going to have a trolley/van for transportation) but no no no. the biggest agreement had to do with who would be my bridesmaids, it got so bad it reduced me to tears and when I really think about it I get so pissed.

Now they are having opinions on some things that we have on our to do list. We are in the process of meeting with florists and they think it is too soon and go on to compare me with my brother. That my friends, is a dangerous thing for them to do especially after I have explicitly told them that my ideas are not going to mirror his and that I do not want to be compared to him and his wedding. End of story!

I was so upset after speaking with my mother yesterday that I decided two things. The first, I am no longer telling them our ideas and suggestions, we are just going to do them. The second, I will most likely refuse any more offers of help from them. They have reduced me to a ball of stress that the BF has to deal with.

He has been a trooper with them but as an outside observer he sees how they treat me and it is starting to upset him. My mom is the queen of passive aggressive tactics and her "not meaning to insult" insults, she has asked me a question and then an hour or two later when I am out of the room will ask the BF to see if she gets the same answer. I have become immune to it but lately, I have started to react to it. I am afraid that they will push me to a point where not only will I snap but so will he. So it is best that I limit my contact with them while we are working on the planning.

So yes mom, you and dad are part of the reason why I had to go to see a counselor a few years ago and I found her again so I may have to pick up where I left off.

Vegas is looking good.

Second guesses

Yesterday afternoon out of the blue I started to second guess some wedding things. Part of this was spurred on by a quote for a vendor for linens and transportation. So this lead to a mini-freak out. I started to second guess the photographer, the save the dates and other details. I think part of it is some wedding blogs and sites that I read. They have these great ideas but I just don't have the time nor money to do all the things that I want to do. So I am doing the best that I can but, it still makes me question almost everything.

Part of the freak out is that I have never planned a wedding before and there are tons of details that need to be done and pop into my head at random times, the other part is that I am so burned out on wedding things and the other part is the budget, we have a hypothetical one. One that does not take into account how we will pay for some things. So that freaks me out.

I love the planning and the dreaming of ideas process but the reality of the situation causes stress. It is easy to be consumed by the planning and the stress that comes with it. Sure I can ask people to help but I can't even figure out what they can help with. I would love to "shelf" the wedding plans but I did that when I was in NJ so now I have to work on the next to do items.

I just wish I was confident enough to trust the people we are hiring and not second guess them for no reason. Sure my wedding will not be written about but it is our day and we are two unique non cookie cutter people. I think that I have to trust us as well.

What stresses you out and causes you to second guess things at random?

Not making the cut

So for the past few weeks, the BF and I have been updating our invite list for the upcoming nuptials. We have been correcting addresses, adding people and subtracting people. In the end, we have a substantial list that we are satisfied with. Most are friends and family and a few are co-workers. We have talked about who to invite and worked it out with the families to ensure that some of their friends are invited.

But our main rule was that one of us had to know the person who will be on the list. We did not want to invite people we had no idea who they were but that our parents knew from work, the grocery store etc.

Well, last week while I was in the land of guidos and speedos, one of the sales team was having a meeting. Since I was in CS I knew some of them. I bumped into one of my sales reps who I go back 9 years with so she and I were chatting. When I went to another part of the office I was accosted by a sales rep who I had some minor dealings with as a rep and he is extremely chatty. When we parted and as I was walking to the room I was using, he mentioned how he is looking forward to getting the invitation.

My mouth fell open. What do you say? He was not on the list, nor will he be put on the list. But what do you say at that point. I opted for the non-committal laugh and turned and walked away. Even if I worked with him for years he would not be on my list.

Now some of my friends from high school who I lost touch with and haven't seen in at least 6 or 7 years are out of the woodwork. There is one whose parents are on our invite list (at the insistence of my parents because they have been invited to all their kids weddings). However, she is not on the list. If I haven't seen nor spoken to you in about 6 years, you are not invited. The other friend I haven't seen in a number of years but we talk once or twice a year. She left me a message yesterday saying how she knew I was engaged and wanted to know when the wedding was (I suspect to make plans to attend). But she was not on our list.

I am not adding any more people.

What do you do. How do you tell people that you are not making the cut!

Being an adult

Sometimes being an adult can suck. The BF and I had our finances talk last night, we are ok and will be able to pay the bills. However, I have to think of ways that I can save more. I kept a spending log in August and found that most of my money goes to food, groceries or going out. Gas and random shopping was second on the list. So we've cut going out to eat and with the gas prices falling the fill ups are a wee bit less expensive. I am also taking public transportation a bit more rather than driving to save on the wear and tear and gas costs. We've also discovered a local grocery store that we are able to get our staples at a lot less than the major stores for the same items. So we are going to do most of our weekly shopping there. I am not as big as a shopper as I used to be so at least I do not have to cut that out.

To add to that, I have been paying off my student loans which I have reduced by consolidating but I added years to the repayment schedule., I am seriously thinking about how to get extra money just to add to my savings account. I have considered getting a second job (just don't know where or what to do) and selling some old jewelry that I never wear. I am also thinking about selling some of my paintings. I am starting to think about my job and how I can leverage that to get a raise or another higher paying job.

We are fortunate that at the end of the month all our bills are paid and still have a few dollars left. Other than the car payment, the student loans and the mortgage, I have no debt. I pay my credit card off every month. It is just I am not at the point I want to be with my savings account, I like to have a set number and I am falling short.. I also don't know if (and when) we can afford the wedding that we are talking about (no we are not engaged....yet) and that stresses ,me out needlessly.

With the holidays around the corner, I am thinking of what and how I can get gifts. I've decided to start shopping now so that way I can but items here and there without the major January bills.

Or I can win the lottery (attention Lottery gods!)

So, with things the way they are, what are you doing to save a few bucks?

On the flip side, after our serious adult conversation, I made pecan banana pancakes for dinner. So sometimes being an adult can justify the need for such a treat.

Out of the ordinary

Out of the ordinary

Today was one of the not normal in the office day, it was We appreciate our customers day

-We could not park where we typically park because we had to save the room for the visitors
-The visitors got a tour of our facility, I felt like an exhibit at a freak show
-We had to remove personal items from the top of our cabinets for a "clean line" look
-We got the hand me down sandwiches
-We got the left over swag bags
-We had to dress up (by that I mean like business wear not casual business wear)
-Cousin It made an appearance
-No radios could be on

I am looking forward to tomorrow when things at the loony bin can return to somewhat normal.
It is strange how much of a creature of habit I become that any slight disruption in my routine can make me feel so out of sorts.

In other news, I swear that my mother is trying to make me into a mini her. I want the shoemaker i to make me a pair of red high heel peep toe shoes. I want them to be in red preferable patten leather. so my aunt informs my mom that the shoemaker got another job so he is unsure if he can make them before she comes to visit. So my mom told her to give him options so if he can't do red to do them navy blue. Navy Blue! If I wanted that Navy Blue shoes I would have requested Navy Blue shoes. Ack, so she was suppose to correct this. I suspect that she does not want me to have red shoes so I should get another sensible color rather than perhaps look like a harlot, please lady, us harlots have lots of fun!

Top of the list

So as of yesterday Chicago has the highest sales tax in the country...10.25% Bigger than NYC and LA!

Bastards!

But then again I have not shopped for anything other than food and gas.

Vanity Fair

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to get my "lady bits" (as per the BF) checked out. Don't worry the post is not about the lovely time that one can have in stir-ups it is about my doctor's side treatments. In addition to being an obgyn, she provides esthetic services. Her philosophy is to treat the whole woman. So in addition to getting a PAP, you can get a chemical peels, laser hair removal etc. Lately, I have been seeing her on commercials promoting her treatments.,

So it got me thinking about the things that women do. I am all for laser hair treatment and well, time seems to be marching on across my face. I've started to notice them....lines....winkles. In fact, I am getting glabeller lines (lines between the eyes), lines on my forehead and one near my nose, and skin discolorations. It is amazing how a 10x mirror can make one feel like a monster abet one with lip gloss.

Ack, what to do. However, due to lovely moving costs I can't afford the treatments even if I wanted to. But then I was thinking "No, I will be okay. I can take some of the tax rebate and go get a facial. I can budget for that, it is a possibility. That may work, all will be well in the world. I mean nobody can see you as close as a 10x mirror so you can hide imperfections. Make up is a good thing, concealer is my friend." Right?

But I have a wish list of things I would like to get done if there was more pennies in the coffer:
-teeth whitening
-monthly facials
-monthly massages
-regular eyebrow waxing
-laser hair treatment

Maybe one day I can get some of the things on my list.

But down the line, will I be that vane to even consider doing anything drastic? Growing old gracefully is sometimes not as easy nor pretty as it sounds.

Flakes

So we are moving in exactly two weeks and to say that I am stressed is an understatement. The BF and I are making an effort to get rid of some furniture and other items that we do not need in the new place or use (like the dining room set, the espresso maker and foot spa plus many other appliances). So we happened to mention this to our respective friends and co-workers.
Immediately, people started to lay "dibs" on items. Great, we were pleased because we can make a few dollars (in some cases) and give it to people who we know would appreciate them. The only caveat is that they had to come and pick the stuff up.

So do you think anyone has....nope. The calls we made went to VM and emails have not been responded to. A simple "no we don't want it anymore" would be fine. We want to get rid of these things so we have spaces for our boxes. We are running out of room

We decided to try and post things on Craigslist and we got a few bites but after the initial email to ask them to pick the item up there is no response. So to add to the stress we now are going to donate some items to either Howard Brown or Salvation Army but the whens and hows are still not logistically worked out

The both of us are so disappointed in people!

Fermented grapes

Well, tomorrow Diana and her sister are going to go to the Big Easy to walk her marathon on Sunday.

I saw her last night and she is pumped to go! so pop on over wish her good luck, I'll wait....

Last night we went to another cooking class and it was probably one of the best ones yet. I learned to make cheese souffle and this braised chicken dish with olives, capers,rasines, carrots and shallots. Everthing she made was to die for.

On my way home, walking up the stairs who do I see, but our hobo. I scream so loud that the BF heard me as well as some neighbors. Apparently hobo has a key to our building, we called the cops and as luck would have it one of our neighbors did as well. BF called the super to let him know because we want the damn lock changed now! It seems that our neighbors have bumped into him as well at all hours! Today I called the management company and was told the locks are being changed. Damn straight, I am thisclose to moving and I HATE to move but, safety first.

I was shaking with fear when I got into the apartment, I mean shaking. I was so mentally wound up and just so fearful that I could not stop shaking. Two glass of red wine later I was doing a lot better but I want the locks changed!

Bum

The title of my post has two reasons:

1-My ass hurts (no get your dirty minds out of the gutter!!) It is because I increased the weight of the weights that I am using at the gym and my legs are sore because of it. I went to 40lb on the leg press for one exercise and went from 5 lbs to 10 lbs on some arm exercise and 10 to 12 lbs some other weight exercies. For some reason my butt is sore. I blame the leg work out but that is all good right? (Sorry Jessica, my ass can't crack walnuts just yet)

2-the dog barked at 2:34 am (nope this is not some secret code where you respond that the cow moo'ed at 4.) But after last week's second hobo visit, I am a little on edge when I hear a strange noise. Last week the dog started to act up at 5:30 or so and we told her to stop and shut up, she was reacting to the fact that their was a stranger outside our door on the steps. So we now pay attention when she barks. She is not much of a barker but she does bark when there is something amiss. So I was up every hour after that, at 3:20 I woke up because I had a dream I wrestled with said hobo over a bat I wanted to use to defend myself. After that I just could not fall asleep. There was no hobo today!

So hence the reason I titled this blog "bum".

Sleepy wing time?

My bed last night was so not comfy. I was tossing and turning trying to get somewhat comfortable. It did not work!

Then around midnight the BF yelled at the dog to stop snoring which scared the hell out of me and cause me to have a fit of screams (I am sure our neighbors loved us). Then the cat decided to play with his paperbag and then sleep with us only to wake up at 5 because he was hungry and walk all over me so that I would wake up and feed him. When this did not work, he sat and started at me and then proceeded to "kiss" my nose hoping that I would get up. He did wake me up but damn it I had 45 minutes before my alarm and I was not getting up.

He got feed 15 minutes later when the BF got up.

So I am tired....and I want hot wings. What is up with that? Actually, it is Alton Brown's fault as one recent "Good Eats" was about wings. Damn you Alton!

I.HATE.SNOW

Well let me clear that up a bit I hate driving in snow. I don't mind it when I am safe at home and have no place to be.

Yesterday it took me 2 1/2 hours to get home. But that is not the record the record was set a few years ago when it tooke me 4 hours to get home. Although I did stop at a friend's house to use the bathroom!

There was between 3-5 inches depending on where I was. Today it was about 7 inches and I got up early to clean and dig out my car. I was only a few minutes late surprisingly.

I think this is a case of the least amount of inches is preferred!

A little from column A and a bit from column B

the important rants of the day:

-to the inept, stupid, pain in ass, clinically insane "cousin it" I am deriving great pleasure about what I want to do to you. Right now I am picturing you shrunken head. I am not an idiot I know what the hell I am doing and I know what to do for customers. so therefore, don't whine when I make you do your job. It is only 4 more weeks to go until I will never work with you again. I hope you come across a horny angry moose in your cabin who is that desperate to even mate with a being like yourself.


-to the inept other staff, you see the signs posted near my desk, that is where the forms go, not ON my desk. I caught you doing it today so I hope that I embarrassed you enough to teach you a lesson. Oh and pick up the stuff that we left for you...today not tomorrow.


-The Oprah favorite things show. Why did you have to give out the Kitchen aid artisan. I so want that! I mean I seek it out in the stores just to lust after that!

But my friend Miss J's father and sister were in the Macon audience so they got all the goodies. I am happy for them and very jealous. I just want the mixer that is all....

And the award goes to...

Ok, I want to create and give out an award...It is called "Asshole parking job of the day" award.

Here is how you qualify:

-You park on my street

-You commit one or more of the following infractions

* You take up two spaces with your car thus preventing other people from possibly parking

*You park up on my ass yet have a foot between you and the car behind or in front you

*You double park for at least 8 hours and you do not come out when people honk you just

look out the window

*you park on the yellow line...which asshole is illegal

*you see me parking and yet you pull into the spot I was just backing into

The Award be placed each day on a car windsheld (Ohhh I can also get the industrial sticker ones that they city uses and stick it on the driver side window in hot pink!) . It will state the following:

"Hey asshole, congratulations you have received the Asshole parking of the day awarded, because of your (insert infraction) some residents have been unable to find a parking spot. So pat your self in the back asshole but cover your ass. We are on to you!"

Who is with me?

Dear Chicago Public works...

Dear CPW,

Thanks so much for finally deciding to pave the street in which we live in. It will be a pleasure driving down it without hitting pot holes, weird bumps and asphalt irregularities.

However, if you are going to close the street from 6-3:30 for almost a week, it would be kind if you give us more than a 12 hour notice. I understand the cost of paper can be quite expensive but considering that you put a huge bright orange posted on every other tree, lamppost, and tall stationary object, would it kill you to put a sign a few days ago on the apartment/house doors. I know that the budget cuts are killing you guys so I hope that the street will be done quickly without much overtime that you are famous for. Well a girl can dream anyway.

While we are at it, why the hell do you have to start at 6 am? Is it because it is cool or because you say you will start at 6 am so that you can tow the stragglers, sit around and watch and then really start at 9 or 10 but claim an 8 hour work day?

Glad to see my tax dollars at work...will the workers who sit around lazy have to pay for the bottle water tax too or is that a perk?

Toodles,
Christina