Sunday, May 26, 2013

Cheated and hope

Last Saturday I was celebrating my 25th week of pregnancy by making Thank you cards when my water broke and our life changed.

We flew to the hospital and tried to remain calm but inside we were full of fear, panic and uncertainty.  When we got to the hospital it was confirmed that one sac broke and there was a good possibility that labor will begin.  Our doctor did say there was a possibility that they can try and keep the guys in longer but, we were not putting our hopes too much on that.  I had the steroid shot to develop their lungs and then was put on a magnesium drip immediately.  That night i got some sleep, ate some jello and popsicles and went to the bathroom a lot due to the IVs.  I had three IV stands going at ones.  Finally at 3:45 am I got to eat a bagel.

The next morning, it looked like we beat the clock when I started to have contractions that were getting longer in duration and closer that indicated labor.  So we made the decision with the doctors to go in for an emergency c-section.  Once that decision was made it was go time, we had time to absorb the news since we were talked to by a lot of doctors and knew what to expect or as best as we could.  Regardless it was a scary time and I had my tears but knew that  I had to be strong so that they could be strong.  In seconds our room was full of doctors and nurses introducing themselves and explaining what they will do during the procedure.  I think there were about 15 people in the delivery room.  Each baby had its own team waiting for them.

At 12:40 pm on May 19, my sons were born.  Baby B was 1.12 lbs and Baby M was 1.06 lbs.  They were rushed to the ISCU (NICU) and I was being finished.  T got to see them and baby B grabbed his finger.  I was in recovery for 2 hours and before I got to my room, they took me to see them.  They were so small and I just cried but, they were stable and in guarded condition. That evening my mom flew in and T took her to see her grandsons.  Our friends were hosting my mom and they got to see the boys too.

Over the past few days, they have been doing really well and are in great hands.  The nurses and doctors have been fantastic.  They have been keeping us up to date and we have been allowed to see them when we can and have been able to touch them and talk to them..  We know that the next few weeks and months will have some ups and downs and we are trying to wrap our heads around everything.

My recovery has been bumpy but overall each day is a bit better.  I did have an infection from the procedure and I was on antibiotics. My abs do hurt and some things have been harder than I expected.

Overall, this has been a crazy few days full of just not knowing what is next and how things will shape up.  We have had a lot of tears of sadness and frustration but, our boys are giving us so much hope.  We have been filled with a lot of prayers and hope by friends, family, twitter and fb.  My hospital room was filled with flowers and cards.  Which help us so much knowing we are not alone in this.

We don't know why or what caused this to happen and the doctors have told me that it was not my fault and I did a good job in the 25 weeks that  they were under my heart. I still blame myself and am mad to miss out on some milestones of pregnancy.  I am mad that this happened and that they are going to be here for a few months, I want them home with us.  I know that there are some rough days ahead.  I wanted to be able to give them a strong start and was cheated out of that.

They are here for a reason and one day we will know why but, we love them and will do what we can for them.  They are fighters and they are strong and they are our babies and we are now a family and will face this together.  We are embracing each hope and each milestone and all the prayers.