making it about us

Relationships are hard, they ebb and flow they get crossed up in the cross hairs of arguments, laughter, communications and silence.

Marriages fall into that category, except perhaps they are a bit more complicated because you add this layer of intimacy or rather many layers of intimacy. It is a sacred friendship, one that you don't have with your parents, your siblings or your friends, it is a different creature..

So when your marriage is rocked or when your world is broken, how can you deal? How do you deal?

Right now, things are rough. Our world has been rocked, our life turned on its head and we are trying to each figure out what to do.

I came very close so close to walking away. That would have been the easy thing to do. But when something means so much to you, you fight. The things that matter are worth fighting for. And regardless of the outcome, we tried and we fought to stay together, to rebuild.

He and I want to become "us" again. It is not going to be simple nor quick but we want "us" back and are each willing to fight for "us" to exist.

We started therapy tonight and I feel a bit better. I have some glimmer of hope that this hiccup in our relationship will make us stronger. There will be a lot of work to do, more tears to be shad, thoughts to be thought. But we can only try to make "us" whole again.

I wanted to thank you for all your support. The comments, text messages, calls and email were so appreciated. When you go through this, you can easily feel isolated and alone but, I feel connected to you all and I thank you. It means so much!

I am also keeping the cause of this rough patch to myself (our self) I consider it a part of what we have to deal with and want to work on it rather than expose it. Maybe one day I will but for now, it is the catalyst to change.

Not quite myself

I am feeling "off" lately. It is a mixture of feeling unappreciated, underwhelmed, tired, helpless frustrated, anti-social and stressed.

The frustrated, helpless and stressed feelings I can dive deeper into I know why I am feeling this way, I know the causes but unfortunatly there is no quick fix. It is a daily reminder of "Hi, here is your life now, here is the life you want and there is no way at this time to bridge the gap" My life is not that bad at all, I know that. I am quite fortunate in many respects but, there are things that I want (not necessary material goods although a Mac book with be nice) and I know that I can't get them. It is just beating me up.

Tired well that is due to the lack of a full nights sleep. I tend to wake up at least once during the night. The cat likes to scratch the door at the wee hours for attention or he decides to be sick at 3:14 am. Or the thunder wakes me up or I am too hot/too cold or I had a nightmare, or a siren goes off etc.

All of this makes me just want to hibernate and hide and try to figure my way out of this funk. I just don't know how.

Note: This is not a reflection of my marriage. I am very lucky to have my husband for so many reasons.

The bell blues

I have been feeling kind of blue lately. Perhaps it is the post-wedding "back to reality" phase. The Hubs mentioned that when we were on our honeymoon and did not have to think about work and the stresses of being home, some things that we have been pushing aside have re-surfaced. Things that will affect our future that you do think about during the engagement process but it gets shelved. They are not bad but they are practical questions that we, frankly, have to consider and talk about. Things that freak me out and cause me to worry and consider the options (Kids, career, wills etc)

On top of this I am feeling somewhat bitter. I don't want to get into why I am bitter about a few things because it would be feeding into it and I just don't want to do it. I should be happy but part of me is still hurt and upset about a few things. Bitter and blue make for a not-so-fun combo!

So while this is swirling in my head, my issues with self esteem have re-surfaced as well and let's just say, I am not too happy with a few things (things that I can't change and things I can). I have to start my gym routine again (I decided to start in September) and slowly get rid of clothes and shoes to de-clutter and save for some better outfits. But in the meantime, I am still having my issues and I can't pass the hump.

I am really missing my friends and family who made the trek for our wedding. It is hard knowing that I will not be seeing them for the rest of the year and may not be able to see them until late next year.

I feel stuck in a rut so to speak, I have all this pent up energy that gets wasted since I used it all to work on favors, seating cards etc. Now I just go home, cook (sometimes) and vet out in front of the TV or read. The Hubs mentioned that he is feeling the same way. So we have decided to look at taking a few classes independently me beading and painting and for him classes in digital photography. Well we plan on this once the coffers fill up again.

I just don't know what to do with myself in the meantime.

Lemonaide...and lemons

The past few days have been a hazy reminder of how good things can be stopped short by an unexpected dose of reality.

Things have been going really well on the wedding planning front. We asked the BF's niece to be a junior bridesmaid (I told her mom the whole story which involved my soon to be ex sister in law backing out of the wedding) and she is very excited. Her first question was what she was to do with her hair. We are going to pair her up with her favorite uncle so that sweetened the deal! We are so happy she will participate. The BF also picked up his groomsman gifts and started to get ready for his trip this coming weekend.

On Saturday, I was getting ready for a facial when I got a text from the BF, it was a text to call him immediately after the facial. Of course, that is never a good thing so I called and it turned out his brother was in the hospital. So after an hour of pampering I headed to the hospital. His brother was in his room and was not looking that good but the prognosis was better and they are working on getting him back on his feet. So most of Saturday and yesterday we were in the hospital hanging out with him, his finance and his dad. We know he will be ok since yesterday he was sarcastic, surly and funny, so he is back. Plus his color has returned. Today they are planning another test to rule out a few more things and he should be home tomorrow.

So we did not get part of our honey do list but we spent the weekend with family and when the chips are down, we will always pull together.

Unless you are one of the future brother in law's who I seriously want to hit….more on that later.

Like a dog chasing its tail....

I feel like I am running around in circles. Most of the projects that I have been working on this year projects have been halted mid way through or at the end and shelved, split apart, on hold or discarded. It has been extremely frustrating to say the least. I spend days setting up meetings to have them post punned or forgotten about. I work on a certain topic only to be told that is not what I should focus on but rather change my direction completely.

I am just frustrated and have been asking myself, is this what I really want to do?

Not making the cut

So for the past few weeks, the BF and I have been updating our invite list for the upcoming nuptials. We have been correcting addresses, adding people and subtracting people. In the end, we have a substantial list that we are satisfied with. Most are friends and family and a few are co-workers. We have talked about who to invite and worked it out with the families to ensure that some of their friends are invited.

But our main rule was that one of us had to know the person who will be on the list. We did not want to invite people we had no idea who they were but that our parents knew from work, the grocery store etc.

Well, last week while I was in the land of guidos and speedos, one of the sales team was having a meeting. Since I was in CS I knew some of them. I bumped into one of my sales reps who I go back 9 years with so she and I were chatting. When I went to another part of the office I was accosted by a sales rep who I had some minor dealings with as a rep and he is extremely chatty. When we parted and as I was walking to the room I was using, he mentioned how he is looking forward to getting the invitation.

My mouth fell open. What do you say? He was not on the list, nor will he be put on the list. But what do you say at that point. I opted for the non-committal laugh and turned and walked away. Even if I worked with him for years he would not be on my list.

Now some of my friends from high school who I lost touch with and haven't seen in at least 6 or 7 years are out of the woodwork. There is one whose parents are on our invite list (at the insistence of my parents because they have been invited to all their kids weddings). However, she is not on the list. If I haven't seen nor spoken to you in about 6 years, you are not invited. The other friend I haven't seen in a number of years but we talk once or twice a year. She left me a message yesterday saying how she knew I was engaged and wanted to know when the wedding was (I suspect to make plans to attend). But she was not on our list.

I am not adding any more people.

What do you do. How do you tell people that you are not making the cut!

Travel Gods

And now I am back!

Wasn't Blog Secrets a great set of reading. I checked out some new blogs and had some new comments. It was well worth it.

I was in the east coast office yesterday for another project meeting and the travel gods were not happy with me for whatever reason. I spilled hot water on my foot, then spilled ice cubes, broke two nails and stayed in a really creepy hotel. (thank you new expense rules)

Today, I sat next to a toddler on my way back to O'Hare. Who thankfully, fell asleep but kept kicking me when he stretched out.

So I am glad to be home.

Hangin tough

So I am heading out east again for the take two meeting. Ya know the one that had me in the office a few weeks ago, the one when I got up at 3:30 in the freaking morning ,the one that got canceled! Yeah that one! So I have to head back for a meeting on Monday morning. The one good thing is that the COO has made it perfectly clear that all must attend and in my passive aggressive way, I mentioned that I will not be conducting a web based meeting which means there better be butts in those chairs!

Before said meeting I get to spend a few days with my parents. They have not seen me since the summer and not since the engagement. My mom can't wait to see the ring even though they've seen photos. Plus the negotiations er discussions have to begin and Mom wants to look at dresses.

There is a chance that I have to head out there in a few weeks again for another meeting that could be done via webinar. But nooooo, they want me to come out to east to go to this small town in a battleground state. It is hours away from the nearest airport and I do not want to go.

The only upside is that I am getting me some frequent flyer miles. So that means we can fly first class to our honeymoon destination. Spain or Italy anyone?

Oh and tomorrow I am going to the NKOTB concert....so I am reliving my pre-teen years with a few adult beverages.

A stay in bed day perhaps?

So tomorrow I get to head out to the east coast (again) but this time I will be taking a 6:30 flight. Yep, that is 6:30 AM (!) so that means that I have to be up at 4 and out of the house by 4:30. I am debating whether I should drive to the airport or take a cab. Both have their pros and both have their cons. I don't necessarily feel like driving at 4 something in the morning so the cab is looking more realistic.

But....my first email this morning was from one of the major key players in my project and while he accepted the meeting he now has to decline due to another meeting that his boss called. So he can't make it. He is the only reason that I called this meeting and will be heading out east. He is the only one who can formally approve the project and while others will be at the meeting. His viewpoint is the only one that really matters. So in essence my meeting will not be as productive as I want it to be. I am currently in a holding pattern and I just want to move forward.

So it is frustrating. I just want to get this trip out of the way and all the points we need to be approved to get approved.

In other news, I already spilled on my white sweater. So it is so far a stellar day.

Being an adult

Sometimes being an adult can suck. The BF and I had our finances talk last night, we are ok and will be able to pay the bills. However, I have to think of ways that I can save more. I kept a spending log in August and found that most of my money goes to food, groceries or going out. Gas and random shopping was second on the list. So we've cut going out to eat and with the gas prices falling the fill ups are a wee bit less expensive. I am also taking public transportation a bit more rather than driving to save on the wear and tear and gas costs. We've also discovered a local grocery store that we are able to get our staples at a lot less than the major stores for the same items. So we are going to do most of our weekly shopping there. I am not as big as a shopper as I used to be so at least I do not have to cut that out.

To add to that, I have been paying off my student loans which I have reduced by consolidating but I added years to the repayment schedule., I am seriously thinking about how to get extra money just to add to my savings account. I have considered getting a second job (just don't know where or what to do) and selling some old jewelry that I never wear. I am also thinking about selling some of my paintings. I am starting to think about my job and how I can leverage that to get a raise or another higher paying job.

We are fortunate that at the end of the month all our bills are paid and still have a few dollars left. Other than the car payment, the student loans and the mortgage, I have no debt. I pay my credit card off every month. It is just I am not at the point I want to be with my savings account, I like to have a set number and I am falling short.. I also don't know if (and when) we can afford the wedding that we are talking about (no we are not engaged....yet) and that stresses ,me out needlessly.

With the holidays around the corner, I am thinking of what and how I can get gifts. I've decided to start shopping now so that way I can but items here and there without the major January bills.

Or I can win the lottery (attention Lottery gods!)

So, with things the way they are, what are you doing to save a few bucks?

On the flip side, after our serious adult conversation, I made pecan banana pancakes for dinner. So sometimes being an adult can justify the need for such a treat.

Noodles

So on Friday i took a class at our favorite cooking school with these two girls. It was "Italy in Autumn" and there was a varied menu. I was looking most forward to learning how to properly make pasta! The last time I attempted to do so ended up in a crumbly mess and was tossed in the bin. So I learned that I needed more moisture and that most recipes call for extra large eggs so to add one extra normal egg to the recipe.

So on Sunday night I made the dough and yesterday I made the noodles! It actually worked, no crumbly dough! With the help of the BF, we made some fettuccini and ate it with gusto. The next time it has to be rolled out a wee bit thinner but it works. So now I al looking forward to making ravioli, chicken soup with home made noodles, spinach pasta and more.

When shall I expect you for dinner....I am serious.

After dinner, I had a mini freak out when I lost a bill. We changed the layout of our office and in the ensuing mess and clean up it went missing. I am normally so good about keeping them in one place and this one just went missing. the problem is that it is a passbook for the place where we got our couch (they are a bit behind the times) so now tomorrow I have to go and pay in person and explain the situation. I am hoping that between now and then it appears. I won't ask any questions....

Tonight we are heading to the gym. Got to start somewhere I suppose.

I will give them a stamp!

I have sufficiently calmed down to regale you with a tale of my intense dislike for one post office.

Our door buzzer is not working and as such, the mail carrier can't enter our building to delivery our mail. This has been a problem for about a week. So they have put a note saying as much and that they are holding the mail. (I will get to that point in a second). Well they delivered some mail on Friday because someone buzzed them in. But they did not deliver all the mail (I will get to that point too).

The bf has (had) contacted the developer who has in vain tried to get the electrician over to fix the buzzer. They are making every effort to get it corrected.

In the meantime, today is June 30, which if you live in Chicago, means that you have to have your car city sticker in place by tomorrow. So about 2 weeks ago I went on line to order and pay for the sticker. I need this sticker otherwise they will issue tickets. So I rang the local post office and was told that:

a-they have tried to ring the bell but nobody was home....duh most of the residents in the building work
b-that we CAN'T pick up our mail because it is against policy. Only if you have a PO box or a vacation hold can you pick up your mail.. If they allow ME to pick up MY mail then we won't be getting it fixed and they can't be holding our mail. but after 10 days they return it to sender!
Also how do they know that my neighbors won't be wanting to do the same thing. I mean after all it is OUR mail.
c-When they delivered the mail on Friday it was just that day's mail not the back log because it is too heavy for them So once they are satisfied that it is fixed then they will deliver the rest.

Classy huh? Holding mail hostage.

Well after 20 minutes, speaking with three people my patience was wearing transparently thin. I have names and I was told by a manager that even though it is against policy that I can pick up my mail.

Granted I would like to glance at my mags but more importantly I need that damn sticker.

Update-So I got to the post office at 4:50 and left at 5:30, the line was out the door and they had the slowest people working there. But I got our mail after the wait and the name dropping. Ironically I was told that I could not pick up the mail that was addressed to my bf but in the bundle that they gave me was his mail too. Oh and the buzzer is fixed.

Vanity Fair

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to get my "lady bits" (as per the BF) checked out. Don't worry the post is not about the lovely time that one can have in stir-ups it is about my doctor's side treatments. In addition to being an obgyn, she provides esthetic services. Her philosophy is to treat the whole woman. So in addition to getting a PAP, you can get a chemical peels, laser hair removal etc. Lately, I have been seeing her on commercials promoting her treatments.,

So it got me thinking about the things that women do. I am all for laser hair treatment and well, time seems to be marching on across my face. I've started to notice them....lines....winkles. In fact, I am getting glabeller lines (lines between the eyes), lines on my forehead and one near my nose, and skin discolorations. It is amazing how a 10x mirror can make one feel like a monster abet one with lip gloss.

Ack, what to do. However, due to lovely moving costs I can't afford the treatments even if I wanted to. But then I was thinking "No, I will be okay. I can take some of the tax rebate and go get a facial. I can budget for that, it is a possibility. That may work, all will be well in the world. I mean nobody can see you as close as a 10x mirror so you can hide imperfections. Make up is a good thing, concealer is my friend." Right?

But I have a wish list of things I would like to get done if there was more pennies in the coffer:
-teeth whitening
-monthly facials
-monthly massages
-regular eyebrow waxing
-laser hair treatment

Maybe one day I can get some of the things on my list.

But down the line, will I be that vane to even consider doing anything drastic? Growing old gracefully is sometimes not as easy nor pretty as it sounds.

Weekend warrior princess

Moving is not fun. This weekend we spent a good portion of time at the old apartment cleaning, throwing out garbage and packing the car with the random things we left behind. Since we lived on the third floor it was a lot of stair climbing. We had so much to do that it physically and mentally wore me out. Then we got to the condo and there are mounds of boxes left to be unpacked. Only one was unpacked!

Yesterday, we went to the BF's niece's 5th birthday and there is nothing like about 15 sugar fueled kids who descend on the gifts like sharks to chum. It was a frenzy. Of course the man who married my BF's sister (the BF does not like to call him his brother in law for many justifiable reasons) made an obnoxious comment to me that in essence told me that he will remember my name when there is a ring on my finger. He has this habit of calling me Christine and does not see a problem with it. I was so pissed with his comment because the BF and I have been together for almost 2 years, we purchased a home for us, we don't owe him any explanations and he is an ass hole. I know that it is coming but we are stuck together because we want to be and one day we'll make it legal.

I should have told him what the BF tells people when they ask about "the ring"...I have to wait for the divorce to be final and break it off with the mistress.

That would have shut him up!

Oh and doing the laundry with a fake diamond tiara is really cool!

Fermented grapes

Well, tomorrow Diana and her sister are going to go to the Big Easy to walk her marathon on Sunday.

I saw her last night and she is pumped to go! so pop on over wish her good luck, I'll wait....

Last night we went to another cooking class and it was probably one of the best ones yet. I learned to make cheese souffle and this braised chicken dish with olives, capers,rasines, carrots and shallots. Everthing she made was to die for.

On my way home, walking up the stairs who do I see, but our hobo. I scream so loud that the BF heard me as well as some neighbors. Apparently hobo has a key to our building, we called the cops and as luck would have it one of our neighbors did as well. BF called the super to let him know because we want the damn lock changed now! It seems that our neighbors have bumped into him as well at all hours! Today I called the management company and was told the locks are being changed. Damn straight, I am thisclose to moving and I HATE to move but, safety first.

I was shaking with fear when I got into the apartment, I mean shaking. I was so mentally wound up and just so fearful that I could not stop shaking. Two glass of red wine later I was doing a lot better but I want the locks changed!

Bum

The title of my post has two reasons:

1-My ass hurts (no get your dirty minds out of the gutter!!) It is because I increased the weight of the weights that I am using at the gym and my legs are sore because of it. I went to 40lb on the leg press for one exercise and went from 5 lbs to 10 lbs on some arm exercise and 10 to 12 lbs some other weight exercies. For some reason my butt is sore. I blame the leg work out but that is all good right? (Sorry Jessica, my ass can't crack walnuts just yet)

2-the dog barked at 2:34 am (nope this is not some secret code where you respond that the cow moo'ed at 4.) But after last week's second hobo visit, I am a little on edge when I hear a strange noise. Last week the dog started to act up at 5:30 or so and we told her to stop and shut up, she was reacting to the fact that their was a stranger outside our door on the steps. So we now pay attention when she barks. She is not much of a barker but she does bark when there is something amiss. So I was up every hour after that, at 3:20 I woke up because I had a dream I wrestled with said hobo over a bat I wanted to use to defend myself. After that I just could not fall asleep. There was no hobo today!

So hence the reason I titled this blog "bum".

I.HATE.SNOW

Well let me clear that up a bit I hate driving in snow. I don't mind it when I am safe at home and have no place to be.

Yesterday it took me 2 1/2 hours to get home. But that is not the record the record was set a few years ago when it tooke me 4 hours to get home. Although I did stop at a friend's house to use the bathroom!

There was between 3-5 inches depending on where I was. Today it was about 7 inches and I got up early to clean and dig out my car. I was only a few minutes late surprisingly.

I think this is a case of the least amount of inches is preferred!

Abs (and nerves) not quite as steel

Well I met wit my trainer yesterday and it went well.  She is really realistic and took it easy on me.  I learned a lot of great things that I can do to tone up my entire body.  I think that I can maintain the interest if I supplement seeing her and going to the gym once a week for an hour continue working out.

I am VERY sore on my abs today.  I was expecting to be sore more so  in my upper back and arms but that was not the case.  She encouraged me to stretch before I went to bed and I think that is what did the trick.  I feel like I have been punched.  The bf was teasing me that he punched me in my sleep for allegedly stealing the blankets last night. Which I deny *ever* doing.

But it is a step in the right direction for me.  I have to get my lazy ass of the couch.  And as Jessica said in the comment section in my previous post I need to use my ass for good not evil :).

Besides working out, I am really anxious about this coming week.  After I completed the MBA, I have been in talks with some high up managers about my future.  They were very open to ideas and suggestions and were going to work on what I want to do and  match it up with what they want.  They really wanted me to want a manager position but it was not what I wanted to do.  I did not want to settle for that because I would be doing the same thing only having to deal with my peers as my subordinates and that is not what I wanted to do.  So this week is the week when they come back with their ideas.  I may be in the east for some meetings to further discuss them.

I am very nervous because I know what I think that I want to try and this corporation has plenty of possibilities but at the same time I am not sure what I want and if I want to work for a huge corporation.  I asked my former manager for some advise and she told me that with my new degree I can open any door I want and if I do not get what works best for me that I should be prepared to walk.

It is great advise but I am scared shitless to walk because I have no idea where to go and what to do.  

Deep down I have two ideas to start my own business and it maybe something to consider but I am so freaked out about it.  I know that failure can be a learning experience and I may succeed but, I am so tough on myself.

I need certain levels of stability in my life I am not one to live by the seat of my pants especially as I am getting older and have more responsibilities.  I need a steady pay check, I NEED health insurance, I need some sort of status quo. But on the other hand, starting something that I want to do and doing it my way, is encouraging and exciting.

I guess I have to see what this week will bring and maybe it will be up my alley or I may have to think about walking.  Just need to figure out how to do that...

A little from column A and a bit from column B

the important rants of the day:

-to the inept, stupid, pain in ass, clinically insane "cousin it" I am deriving great pleasure about what I want to do to you. Right now I am picturing you shrunken head. I am not an idiot I know what the hell I am doing and I know what to do for customers. so therefore, don't whine when I make you do your job. It is only 4 more weeks to go until I will never work with you again. I hope you come across a horny angry moose in your cabin who is that desperate to even mate with a being like yourself.


-to the inept other staff, you see the signs posted near my desk, that is where the forms go, not ON my desk. I caught you doing it today so I hope that I embarrassed you enough to teach you a lesson. Oh and pick up the stuff that we left for you...today not tomorrow.


-The Oprah favorite things show. Why did you have to give out the Kitchen aid artisan. I so want that! I mean I seek it out in the stores just to lust after that!

But my friend Miss J's father and sister were in the Macon audience so they got all the goodies. I am happy for them and very jealous. I just want the mixer that is all....

And the award goes to...

Ok, I want to create and give out an award...It is called "Asshole parking job of the day" award.

Here is how you qualify:

-You park on my street

-You commit one or more of the following infractions

* You take up two spaces with your car thus preventing other people from possibly parking

*You park up on my ass yet have a foot between you and the car behind or in front you

*You double park for at least 8 hours and you do not come out when people honk you just

look out the window

*you park on the yellow line...which asshole is illegal

*you see me parking and yet you pull into the spot I was just backing into

The Award be placed each day on a car windsheld (Ohhh I can also get the industrial sticker ones that they city uses and stick it on the driver side window in hot pink!) . It will state the following:

"Hey asshole, congratulations you have received the Asshole parking of the day awarded, because of your (insert infraction) some residents have been unable to find a parking spot. So pat your self in the back asshole but cover your ass. We are on to you!"

Who is with me?