Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Don't wanna go

I have an early flight tomorrow morning for a my trip to NY for meetings. I will be there for the next two days stuck on Loooong Island and I am not a fan of Loooong Island. I wonder why my company decides to spend money (especially since they are cutting costs all over the place) to send me to NY for meetings that are purposeless. Seriously, I was amazed how inconsequential the actual agenda is. A total waste of time and it is critical time for me because it is finals time and I don't have the desire to head to NY and sit in meetings and dinners when I can be using my time to finish my stats homework and start to study.

I just have to grin and suck it up. Ugh!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It is already summer!?!

Well this weekend reminded me why Chicago summer's can be worse than one can imagine. It was hot, humid and hot! Chicago weather comes out of the blue, one day it is a warm 70 and then in less than 24 hours it changes by 20 degrees in any direction! Well this past weekend was well above 90. I usually don't mind but my AC is not put up yet and at night it's unbearable...I went to bed last night at 10:30 but feel asleep well after 3! So I am tired.

Overall it was not such a bad Monday off. I actually had dinner with JT! Yep, it actually happened. It was fun to see him and just to get out of the apt. We tend to poop out, veg and talk on one of our sofas. So we had dinner and talked and did our veg out on the sofa chat. I was glad to see him, it is funny how a dinner and a chat can make me feel better. Perhaps it means that someone actually cares every now and then!

Saturday, May 27, 2006


Ok so it is after 9 and after about 6 hours, I finally figured out to use the damn statistical program called minitab. It absolutely is stupid, I hate that I have to learn this program to do my regression analysis. It is so stupid, I can do it by hand but not able to enter the info in the program.

In the meantime, I had a good day yesterday. I slept in, did some management homework and got a much needed (and deserved) pedicure. Plus of course I watched three episodes of the West Wing. I swear that show is wonderful! As much as I complain to JT that it is my new addiction, I guess as far as addictions go it is not a bad one.

I thought of calling D to say hi. I have not spoken to him in a few weeks. Actually the last time we chatted it was when we met for dinner. But I got all shy and just did not do it. Maybe later during this long weekend.

I want to go clothing shopping! Just don't have the funds or time to do so. Maybe after my finals are done...but I already spent my "quarter reward" money on a skirt and cute top. It should be cute, my order is due in soon! we'll see...

Spoke to my bro about his impending GMAT. I could commiserate and offer some advise. He is taking it in a few weeks. It is not a fun test but then again it is not suppose to be. The standardized tests are horrible and I hope never to take one of those again!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Stats sucks!

I knew that when I started my MBA perused, I would have to face the
inevitable calculus/stats combo class no matter what school that I went to. Well, I decided to take it early on in my grad program. I knew for the most part that it would not be fun as math and I don't like each other and never have, I knew that I would have to suck it up and deal with it.

So in my second quarter, I am taking it now. I am so glad I am because it will be relevant for other classes and for the sheer fact that when I am done with this class I will be thrilled. Well after a series of classes I thought that I got my prof's method of madness but I was wrong. He posted the class discussion notes before class but during class he changed the class discussion. Ok fine, I am familiar with regression analysis until he got to the homework and my God, he is out of his will take me two weeks to do this. Plus he wants us to use real numbers based on our company. Well my company is a global company with our parent company in Europe and our finance dept does not have our figures! So that in itself is a bit suspect and I have no idea what to do now. So I am waiting for my prof to email me back with suggestions!

I hate stats!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Staying put

I made my decision to stay in Chicago for the weekend and not go to NY. I don't think that Dad is pleased with me but I have my reasons. I have a lot of homework to do especially because it is now becoming crunch time with my finals around the corner. There is suppose to be some bad storms in the Chicagoland region (they've already started) and the prospect of sitting in O'Hare trying to make a flight is not that appealing. Finally, I just really don't want to go home to fight with my mom. She did call me after I emailed her and dad that I would not be heading out. She was not mean and did not put up a fight. I think that she knows that what she said to me last week was cruel and did upset me (obviously) and that I am not ready to come home if those words are still lingering. She and dad do want to come out to visit but with the work trip to NY and finals, the next few weeks are booked.

Maria and Patricia will probably not be pleased that I am not heading out. I do really want to see them too but they are caught in the circumstances. I will also be missing the "killing of many things" BBQ at Maria and Rob's but, there is always next year.

Ever action has a consequence and a I know that this decision will resound.

On the upside my headache is gone...because it is raining or the advil or both!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


I have a headache, I think that it is because there is a barometric pressure change. The weather people are predicting thunderstorms this evening and tomorrow so that can explain this annoying headache.

Tomorrow I have to make up my mind about whether or not I will head out to New York. My mom and I have not spoken to each other since last week. So I suspect that it may mean that we are not ready to see each other. So the signs are pointing to staying here in Chicago.

Monday, May 22, 2006

More the same than different

I try and read other people's blogs and I have found out that people, no matter how different we all are, go through the same things! We all experience hurt especially when it comes to the emotion of love. I have read a few blogs about breakup, lost loves, hurts from a loved one. I have read about people who are confused by their feelings and emotions. People who struggle with their everyday activites.

But, I also read about hope, joy and happiness. We all go through our trials and tribulations and many times we feel like we are the only ones but reality is that we are not. We just are not tapped into the others who are going through the same things! I know that each of our experiences are our own but, that others have had or are going through situations that are similar.

I think that it helps to know that my feelings are shared in many ways by others. In some way, that gives me comfort.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

You can't always go home

It does not look like I will be heading out east this week. The issue with my mom has gotten really bad and I do not plan on going home and fighting with her. She believes that I am blaming her or my dad or my brother for my problems. I tried to tell her that I don't. I blame anyone for the circumstances of my life, nobody caused me to have these issues in my head or my heart. But she can't accept that. She was very rude to me the other day so much so that I hung up on her the other day.

She is accusing me of pushing her away and I will admit to that. I know I am doing that because home is not home any more. She just won't understand where I am coming from and what I have been thinking or feeling. I tried to explain it to her before I hung up but she does not understand that I can't pretend to be happy for everyone when I am not happy in my heart. I am happy for people but I have to be true to myself and I have to deal with these issues. Then she got mean and rude to me.

Every time I head to my parent's house things are different and I feel more like a visitor in their home. I am stuck there when I go there with no car and having to depend on everyone else. It feels like I am 15 again when I head there.

It may be in everyone's best interest for me to stay here.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Not exactly as planned

Well it is Saturday and what did I do all day...Sleep. So obviously I did not make the conference. JT did email me with the info and the price( of the not student rate)....ouch! So I decline because it was more than I should spend on something like that. But I something else happened yesterday!

At work, my cell rang and it was T. T and I met a few months ago at a bar in Evanston. I went out with J9 and TS and his friend. Well during the course of the night we met T. T and I had a lot of fun and we clicked. Granted by the end of the night he was drunk and I was on my way out. So I gave him my number but he never called. Then D and I started to see each other (or whatever it is called). Well a few weeks after that J9 called me and T was in the same bar. So she puts T on the phone and we talked but when he asked me out, I told him that I was seeing . So we just chatted for a few more seconds and then he had to hang up.

Well a few weeks ago I sent him a text message to say hi and he called me back. It turned out that he was in the ER with a finger thing, then we chatted some more. But it turned out he started to see someone. But we still chatted for a few minutes. Until yesterday, T called me at work to see if I was going to be in Evanston. I had my evening planned I was going to eat, watch tv and go to bed. So I told him that. Then I began to think about I called J9 because I have not spoken to her in weeks and she told me that they were going to head to the bar. So I told her that T called and she was thrilled so we made plans to go to meet up in that bar. I called T to let him know

I ran home changed and headed up to Evanston. I got to the bar before everyone so I got a pint of a long needed cider. I also got a bite to eat and then T walked in with his friend. It was so cool to see him. He had this huge smile on his face and we hugged. then a few minutes later J9, T, K and S arrived so we all hung out and just had a typical silly night with those guys. We went to a few other bars along the strip. T and I had a few opportunities to chat but he just kept looking at me and smiling, it was cute. He is still seeing someone so we just talked and hung out. He told me that he was glad that I decided to come out and that he was just very glad to see me. As he put it, he has somethings to take care of and I told him that I don't want to be the cause of any issues. He had to leave to catch a train so they left but he gave me this huge hug.

Afterwards, we decided to head to a bar near J9 and TS' place. So we went, I had K in my car (I was sober) and he and I sang at the top of our lungs to a CD that I had in my car. We had so much fun! I hung out at the bar for a bit then I decided to head home. But T did call me to see how I was and we've been sending silly text messages.

It was a night that I SOOOO needed!

Friday, May 19, 2006

What I need right now

What I need right now is the large bottle of white wine and Snicker bars! But those will wipe out my feelings temporarily. What I really need is to be with the people that I want to be with. I know that I have been pushing some people away but that is because at this point in time, I can't/don't want to be with them. I want to be with my friends who can understand what is going on with me and the whys and hows. I am fortunate to have a few. In fact I have discovered this quality in some new friends too. Those are the people I want around me...I want to be distracted, I want someone to commiserate with, I want to vent but I really want some one to hold me especially since I have been emotional. I don't want to hear "It will be okay", I want to hear "Damn that sucks!" because right here, right life sucks!

JT invited me to go to a conference with him tomorrow at the U of C with Latin America business leaders. I think that it will be good for me to get out of the apt and do something. Not to mention, it will be interesting to hear what they have to say. In London, I worked for the Latin America desk for the former DTI and I got to attend a few conferences and meetings and I learned so much. It will be good for me. Of course there is a big "if" which is if JT gives me all the details. He can be flighty sometimes but, if it all works out then I will spend the day learning something and with a friend who gives great hugs and says "Damn, that sucks!"

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Another vivid dream

I dreamt that I was walking with JT (he was the last person I spoke to last night actually). We were leaving his new apt and were walking down this street that was very European in nature and I said to him that I dreamed that I've been here before. It seemed to be German/Swiss town with cobble stone street, a few out door cafes and these for houses. Anyway, he was holding my hand and we decided to walk into this cathdral, (Spanish gothic in nature, tan stone facade, with a rose window and a few spires) there were a few steps that lead to a door. Well it turned out to be a Catholic church but the church had a small river in it where you can be baptized or be cleansed or swim. We were a bit confused by it the river that was seen was just this curve and there was a rock waterfall against the wall of the church, the rest went into this dark cave. there was a priest who was putting on vestments for mass. He was putting on a gold embroidered vestments. We went to ask him a few questions but he did not speak English. Then there was this canoe, with people who were just cruising the river. JT dived in and then I did and the water was warm then I woke up!

How can I stop the world? I want to get off...

Yesterday, I got some more bad news. I have to undergo some further testing after my doctor found some suspicious cells. I know that I should stay calm and just have this done and see what they say but, I am not strong enough to handle it. Things just go from bad to worse especially when I start to pick myself up and then I get kicked back down.

I was talking about this yesterday to a friend and I told her that I think I would be able to handle this upsetting news if it was just the only bad thing going on in my life. It just seems that I am loaded down with crap and it gets deeper everyday. I just want something good and positive to happen. But that is why I am pushing people away, I can't be happy for other people because I am not happy and I don't have enough strength to even act happy. So now my mom and I are really on the outs and I don't want to speak or even see her because of the things that she said to me.

When I undergo this procedure, it will just be me who will go, I don't want anyone with me. I will drive myself home and go to my apt alone. There will be nobody there to comfort me, support me, it will just be me. I just have to accept it because nobody can understand why I feeling this way and I am tired of justifying.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

not all those who wander are lost...

For some reason that phrase keeps popping into my head...perhaps is it because I have been a bit sleep deprived that I start to ponder. Last night (or this morning, I can't remember) this statement came into my head. I am not sure if it is true but perhaps it is.

For me, I feel like I have been wandering for quite sometime now and I have no idea where I am going, if I found it or if I am lost. I really just want to find a place to rest and stay a while. I want to find my place in the world.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Power of words

Words have such a profound affect on other don't they. If you use the wrong one or if you use one in a incorrect way it can alter your meaning or your intention. It can hurt people and it can destroy.

When I started my blog, I made some up some rules...I decided not to include photos of myself or my friends, I would call friends by their initials if they wanted me to but I promised that I will NOT censor myself. This blog is all about me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions and I am stuck with them, if I can't be open here then I can't be open at all. I acknowledge that my friends may not like what I write or what my opinions are and that is okay because that is why we are friends. We can't be the same.

But I have found out from my friends that they read this and they get concerned about me. I am told that they are there for me and that they support what I am going through. I have also found that some people have got hurt by what I have written, and I am truly sorry for that. I don't wake up to hurt anyone or anything. But this is my method of expression and it is something that I choose to do for me because I have that choice and because I have to for me.


When I was a kid I would plan out how I would run away. This was especially useful when I had a huge fight with my parents or my brother! I would plan on what I would pack and where I would go, but I never really went anywhere. That is until I grew up.

I realize that you can never runaway! Because no matter where you go you live with yourself and your experiences. What I really want to run from sometimes is my life, I want to shed my skin so to speak and try a different life. I guess that I really want to get rid of the pain and try a new life and have new experiences that can shape me. But the assumption is that it would be better but, you never know. It is like being in a fantasy, you only focus on the good because you can't fanthom the bad.

I did run away a few years ago but, I took with me my experience and my past with me and I wonder where did it get me?

Saturday, May 13, 2006


It is Saturday and I got most of the things that I wanted to do this weekend already done. I finished my paper, tomorrow I will review it to make sure it is ok and make any changes. I just have to do some reading and then I am done for my classes!

JT stopped by for a drop off the second season of the West Wing. He got me addicted to the show. So after about a months after I finished the first season I get to indulge in the second season. I haven't seen him in ages but we did not really have time to chat as he had to meet up with his other friends before his review session for his class.

Now what? I really don't like this!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Cold, dark and dreary

That seems to be the mood on a few of us today. Here it is rainy, grey and very chilly, the perfect day to stay in bed. The title reminds me of the old "Peanut" cartoon when Snoopy would work on his novel on top of his dog house that always started with "it was a dark and stormy night".

Another quiet weekend ahead of me. I have a paper to do and that is about it. So maybe it is good that it will be a cold, dark and dreary weekend...seems to mirror me.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

"I Shall Believe"

I wish I had someone to say this to...
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe...
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe...
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe...
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe...
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe...
-Sheryl Crow-

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


It was a rough night for me, I did not sleep well.

I really don't think that anyone can really get why I am so upset/sad. It is not that my brother found someone it is more like I haven't. Call it envy or jealousy, it is one and the same. I know what the drama will be ahead and the family issues that are going to come out of it. I am already the "misfit" on my dad's side and my brother's girlfriend is everyone's favorite replacement. Heck she gets better Christmas gifts and does not have to sit at the "kids" table, unlike me, the forgotten one who just does not fit anyway.

At the same time, I wish that it was me. I wish that this gaping hole in my life was filled. The sucky thing is that this hole in my life, this desire to be loved by some one I love, cared for by someone I care for and wanted by someone I want...this is beyond my control and I am powerless. I am getting older and it does not quell the need that I have to have someone complete in my life but there is not a thing I can do to make that happen. I'm getting to the point where I don't think that it ever will.

I'm tired of weddings and pretending to care about dresses, flowers, invites. Why should I, they are not my problems and there is nothing I can do about them. Plus brides don't want your opinion anyway.

I don't want to go to NY now, I just know that it is not where I fit. I am like that puzzle piece that has an edge broken so it just dose not fit right anywhere. That is me...Home is where the heart is and I don't belong to anyone's heart.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


my brother just called, he got engaged.

I'm not handleing it well.

Random stuff

Just some random things...

-got my grades from my mid-terms did well. Now I have to kick ass on my paper, case study, homework and finals to get the coveted grade.

-had a weird dream last night...part of my dream, I was on this lake in a canoe and swimming with Renee Zelwige (sp), and we are hanging out having fun. Then I am called out of the lake and I get to the shore and there are these red ants and I am barefoot and I was brought on shore to step on the ants so she did not have to. Then I went up these stairs near a pool and there was George Michael ready to sit on a ledge to read a book while overlooking the lake and I guess we were friends because we were excited to see each other and he kissed me hello then he
other and he kissed me hello then he glared at Renee's handlers for making me step on the red ants! It was just weird and it was really vivid like the lake was in the fall so the leaves were red, orange, yellow but the water was warm and the pool had a snack bar with a faded box of nerds and other willy wonka candy to advertise what they sold. (I will have to look that one up, it must have been the energy bar a classmate gave me. ) I had another dream last night but I am not telling that one!

-My mom is not speaking to me because of the South America trip drama. She'll have to get over it, it is not my fault the airlines upped the frequent flyer amounts needed.

-I am craving french fries

-I still miss him.

Monday, May 08, 2006


I never seem to get an adequate amount of sleep anymore. Part of it is due to my schedule thanks to school. On days that I have classes, I have to be at work an hour earlier and that means I have to get up earlier than the rest of the week. My body clock is out of wack and it is really becoming apparent. I am now using "industrial" strength concealer to hide the circles under my eyes.

I tend to try and sleep in on the weekends but that does not always work. Also part of the problem is that I tend to get my second wind late at night. I find myself cleaning my apt., paying bills etc at 10 or later at night. Maybe that is a way to distract myself from falling asleep. I find that sometimes I sleep better with someone next to me. I think I still miss that.

A few weeks ago, I had issues falling asleep due to the things that were going on in my life. I would try to start to fall asleep in front of the TV because, if I laid in bed my mind would go in different directions and I would dwell on things that I could not do anything about them. so I would get frustrated and upset so that I would not be able to fall asleep for some time. So TV would distract me enough to fall asleep but that is not the healthy thing to do.

Well I guess this is how things are going to be unless I get another job (fingers crossed) or finish school (18 months to go!). I just need sleep!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Little one

This afternoon, I got to meet the daughter of a friend of mine. Her daughter was born a little over a month ago and she is just this precious little one. She has such a head of hair and these dark brown eyes. According to mom, she is an eater and sleeper. The baby was too sweet and you can see her exploring herself she streches, purrs, grunts, plays with her fingers and makes faces. She is just too precious. It is amazing to see any infant and know what awaits them, all the joys and sorrows, happiness and tears that they will face. You almost want to impart all your wisdom into them so that you can spare them what you had to learn the hard way but, that is not possible. I wish that she and all babies grown up in a safe, happy world and that we have not ruined a lot of their future now.

Still for me...It is tick tick....

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Half empty

I remember that earlier this year things were looking up. I was so happy, things were actually going the way I wanted them to I was starting school, work was going ok, I was seeing someone and life was starting to pick up. Now it is months later and I am back to where I was last summer...alone, bored, and lonely.

It seems that when things start to go well, a few weeks or months later it does a complete 180 turn and the thing is that I just tend to stay in that direction for months even years. It just never seems that things pick up and stay up or go the way that I want them to go. I feel like when things get too good, I wait for the ceiling caves in and it never lasts and well I am right.

I was looking forward to so much this year, I honestly thought that '06 would be a good one and I was so optimistic. Now it is almost half way over and it is not going as well as I hoped The only thing that has stayed constant since January is school. I am not able to see my family in South America due to stupid award rules. So now I have two weeks off this summer without school or work and all I will do is sit at home just like every weekend. My calendar is so empty it is pathetic but I will just have to accept it.

Friday, May 05, 2006


In looking at some past blogs I noticed that there is sadness in some of them. It is easier for me to write when I am blue or really in rare ranting form rather than when I am doing ok or happy. But there are things that I am thankful for and so here is to them

-my family that they are healthy, happy and safe
-my friends who are incredible people
-my dog even though he is in NY
-that I can freely choose my educational path and pursue it
-my bed because it is comfy and that I have one
-that I can afford a decent apartment
-music, movies and tv
-books, too many to read too little time
-all the places that I have visited and will visit
-that I have experienced love in my life
-flowers that are blooming and the grass
-that I can make decisions freely
-my passport
-my ipod
-Paulo Cohel
-my reasonable health
-my memories (good and bad) as they shaped who I am now and where I am now in the grand scheme of things
-that I am in tune to who I am inside even if I hide it from others
-for so many other things that I won't have time nor space to recall is my horoscope for the day....Very topical and relevant

Your emotional vision is a perfect 20-20 today -- you will finally see things in a clear, honest way. With little mystery left, the choice will be clear for you. Saying goodbye is surprisingly easy today when you know that this fork in the road holds two very rewarding (yet opposite) plans for each of you. You now see that staying on the same path is a mistake for one of you. You're entering a strong selfless phase that will keep your heart warm even when you're missing people you love.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

One step to knowing

I saw D.

I really did not think about it all day until I started to drive towards where we were meeting. I got thinking and I got a bit nervous . I was hoping that I would beat him there but he beat me. We started to walk towards each other and just stood there for a few moments looking at each other, I did not know what to do next and he leaned in to hug me. For one second it seemed that things were different but then my mind drew me back to the reality of the situation but it was nice to be hugged again.

The tears began to well up in my eyes and I blinked them away. It was strange at first and the conversation was strained but then we feel back into our conversation and talked and talked. I found myself avoiding eye contact with him because in the past we would just stare in each other's eyes and just talk. I did not want to remind myself how we were in the past because for as much as I suppressed it all, I still feel something for him.

We had a good chat (or at least I think so) and we made each other laugh and just caught up. It got hard to say bye to him. We hugged tightly and again I was brought back to the past and I could feel the tears but I kept reminding myself that things will be okay, they will be okay. We said our good-byes and I went one way and he went another.

The tears started as I walked towards my car and I turned around (which is one thing that I try never to do) and saw him walk away. I really do miss what we had but, I think that we can be friends, time heals and I will be okay...I will be okay...


I am a bit drained, my mid-term was more arduous than I thought that it would be but, it was a fair exam. At least that is what I am saying now until I get my grade...ugh!

My next activity is less draining on my brain but a bit more of my heart. D and I have plans for this evening and it will be the first time that we will see each other since that last tearful morning. I have not really recently thought about what it will be like to see him, perhaps in a way I am numb. It seems t that I have done quite a good job at suppressing my feelings. Part of that is the whole survival part you know, the more I suppress them the more I will appear to be ok. It is also a way of putting away the memories that hurt me (the good and bad ones hurt the same sometimes).

I have done my fair share of crying about it and somedays I still tear up. But he has not been a daily part of my life so it has been a little easier to not think about him but when he pops in it can at times be a bit harder. I have been not missing the messages he used to sent me daily as much as I used to. But I still miss him in my life, we had fun. He is a good person with a great heart and mind and there is not one bad thing that I can ever say about him

Tonight will be a challenge between what my head is telling me and what my heart wants. The ultimate challenge in many I suppose. I do miss him in my life and we'll see if we ultimately are a character in each other's lives rather than a part of our past. Tonight will be a step to find out.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Tales of woe

I was about to burst yesterday, well I kind of did in a way. I needed to vent, talk, bitch but, I wanted to do that with someone who I did not have to explain the whys and hows. I needed one of my best friends who has known me for so long that she knows what is the method to my madness and for that matter why I am mad. We chatted last night and I got to release it all out, what has been in my head and my heart. She does not patronize nor make light of the seriousness of some of my things but she is supportive and does agree that things suck. That is what I needed to hear, I needed to know that my feelings and issues are justified and validated that yea some things do suck for me. But she does remind me how beautiful I am (which I don't always believe) and she kicks my butt now and then because she knows that I need it.

I have known her since our college days and for the past many many moons thatwe've known each other the two of us had our fair shares of dramas, boyfriends, bad break-ups, career moves, bar nights, tears, medical issues, good things, success, failure and so much more. We've been there for each other in the joys, sorrows, and the in-betweens that life has to offer but, what is amazing is the ability that the two of us share is that we sympathize, empathize and do not patronize. We are honest with each other, yep we'll tell each other when we are fat, skinny or not looking our best and there are no hurt feelings.

Life can suck and we are there to remind each other that sometimes life is hard and that it is sucky right now (especially for what I am dealing with). But we are each other's biggest cheerleaders and I am so glad to have Maria in my life. Thanks darling for everything, love ya!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Tests vs. Learning

So my second quarter round of mid-terms have begun. I had one last night that I must say was a fair exam. I think that I did well but I will find out next week perhaps sooner as my prof is on top of his game! Tomorrow night I face the dreaded stats exam, although I think it will be okay based on the breakdown that we were given last week. I will be glad when it is over and I can be on my sofa watching BBC America!

However, I wonder what the merits of grades vs, the learning process. I mean, I fall into the trap that I must do well and I set out my goals for the quarter and try to accomplish them. Yep, a strong GPA is important to me. I did graduate with honors as an undergrad so the bar has been set. But what have I learned from school? If I come out of school knowing what I need to know isn't that of greater value than to have a number next to your name. Does it really matter in the job market or the outside world?

At DePaul, we do get grades, GPA and it will appear on our transcripts. At the University of Chicago, they will only release your transcript that states that you graduated the U of C. But then again if you survive the U of C then you deserve to be hired anywhere. (right JT?) However, if you learn something then that should count for something.

I may not care about stats but I get the concept (for the most part). I appreciate it but my math carelessness may not reflect that. Why be a slave to grades? I guess it means that I have to review the studying that I did over the weekend and just be careful....but as long as I learn something , that is more valuable to me than a grade.

Monday, May 01, 2006


The core of the novel, The Alchemist is that the universe give you signs to point you in the right direction. It is up to us to decipher what these signs are and where they are pointing. It is not an easy task and we sometimes don't realize the opportunity nor the path we are on. Maybe there is a deeper meaning that we can't see, the whole forest from the trees concept.

It was like the decision that I made a few years ago to move to Chicago. I knew that I had to shake my life up and that I was just going through the motions and I was not happy. When the seed of Chicago was planted, there were signs everywhere. It happened on a Saturday in the apartment in Brooklyn when I trying to decide, I was watching TV...the first channel showed a city and I thought it was a cool skyline but I did not know what city it was, it turned out to be Chicago. I flipped the channel and it was for Pizza hut's Chicago deep dish pizza...Ok...then about a half hour later...a commercial for Chicago's greatest hits. Ok, at that point I got it. That was the direction that the universe wanted me to follow (or at least I think it is).

I am still here in this city but trying to figure out just why? What would happen if I stayed in NY? What is my reason to be here? I have met some people who became my second family and my good friends. But there is something that is not yet satiated and I can't figure it out.

I am looking for signs but I am not sure what to look for, who to look for and why? Is it really at the hands of God, fate, karma, the universe or whatever or is it just the luck of the draw. Does free will make us make decisions so that we learn something? What do we ultimately learn, what do we seek? I guess it is something that is unique to each of us, but there has to be some common link.

One of my friends has the universe pointing him in a certain direction and he knows it but he is afraid of the challenge or perhaps maybe the disappointment and the fear of the unknown. I can see his signs and he has the opportunity for something that may help him down the line, it is a great thing.

Does this mean that other people can see my signs as clear as day but I don't? It would be easier for the signs to be in big billboard neon letters for me to see it! But then again it can't be obvious, simple or easy.

I am just looking and listening to find which direction that the universe is pointing me in. If it was only so simple...but then again life happens! What opportunities that I had would have been missed but then what opportunities would I have been spared? Still looking!