Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I just have to grin and suck it up. Ugh!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Overall it was not such a bad Monday off. I actually had dinner with JT! Yep, it actually happened. It was fun to see him and just to get out of the apt. We tend to poop out, veg and talk on one of our sofas. So we had dinner and talked and did our veg out on the sofa chat. I was glad to see him, it is funny how a dinner and a chat can make me feel better. Perhaps it means that someone actually cares every now and then!
Saturday, May 27, 2006
In the meantime, I had a good day yesterday. I slept in, did some management homework and got a much needed (and deserved) pedicure. Plus of course I watched three episodes of the West Wing. I swear that show is wonderful! As much as I complain to JT that it is my new addiction, I guess as far as addictions go it is not a bad one.
I thought of calling D to say hi. I have not spoken to him in a few weeks. Actually the last time we chatted it was when we met for dinner. But I got all shy and just did not do it. Maybe later during this long weekend.
I want to go clothing shopping! Just don't have the funds or time to do so. Maybe after my finals are done...but I already spent my "quarter reward" money on a skirt and cute top. It should be cute, my order is due in soon! we'll see...
Spoke to my bro about his impending GMAT. I could commiserate and offer some advise. He is taking it in a few weeks. It is not a fun test but then again it is not suppose to be. The standardized tests are horrible and I hope never to take one of those again!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
inevitable calculus/stats combo class no matter what school that I went to. Well, I decided to take it early on in my grad program. I knew for the most part that it would not be fun as math and I don't like each other and never have, I knew that I would have to suck it up and deal with it.
So in my second quarter, I am taking it now. I am so glad I am because it will be relevant for other classes and for the sheer fact that when I am done with this class I will be thrilled. Well after a series of classes I thought that I got my prof's method of madness but I was wrong. He posted the class discussion notes before class but during class he changed the class discussion. Ok fine, I am familiar with regression analysis until he got to the homework and my God, he is out of his gourd...it will take me two weeks to do this. Plus he wants us to use real numbers based on our company. Well my company is a global company with our parent company in Europe and our finance dept does not have our figures! So that in itself is a bit suspect and I have no idea what to do now. So I am waiting for my prof to email me back with suggestions!
I hate stats!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Maria and Patricia will probably not be pleased that I am not heading out. I do really want to see them too but they are caught in the circumstances. I will also be missing the "killing of many things" BBQ at Maria and Rob's but, there is always next year.
Ever action has a consequence and a reaction...so I know that this decision will resound.
On the upside my headache is gone...because it is raining or the advil or both!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Tomorrow I have to make up my mind about whether or not I will head out to New York. My mom and I have not spoken to each other since last week. So I suspect that it may mean that we are not ready to see each other. So the signs are pointing to staying here in Chicago.
Monday, May 22, 2006
But, I also read about hope, joy and happiness. We all go through our trials and tribulations and many times we feel like we are the only ones but reality is that we are not. We just are not tapped into the others who are going through the same things! I know that each of our experiences are our own but, that others have had or are going through situations that are similar.
I think that it helps to know that my feelings are shared in many ways by others. In some way, that gives me comfort.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
She is accusing me of pushing her away and I will admit to that. I know I am doing that because home is not home any more. She just won't understand where I am coming from and what I have been thinking or feeling. I tried to explain it to her before I hung up but she does not understand that I can't pretend to be happy for everyone when I am not happy in my heart. I am happy for people but I have to be true to myself and I have to deal with these issues. Then she got mean and rude to me.
Every time I head to my parent's house things are different and I feel more like a visitor in their home. I am stuck there when I go there with no car and having to depend on everyone else. It feels like I am 15 again when I head there.
It may be in everyone's best interest for me to stay here.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
At work, my cell rang and it was T. T and I met a few months ago at a bar in Evanston. I went out with J9 and TS and his friend. Well during the course of the night we met T. T and I had a lot of fun and we clicked. Granted by the end of the night he was drunk and I was on my way out. So I gave him my number but he never called. Then D and I started to see each other (or whatever it is called). Well a few weeks after that J9 called me and T was in the same bar. So she puts T on the phone and we talked but when he asked me out, I told him that I was seeing . So we just chatted for a few more seconds and then he had to hang up.
I ran home changed and headed up to Evanston. I got to the bar before everyone so I got a pint of a long needed cider. I also got a bite to eat and then T walked in with his friend. It was so cool to see him. He had this huge smile on his face and we hugged. then a few minutes later J9, T, K and S arrived so we all hung out and just had a typical silly night with those guys. We went to a few other bars along the strip. T and I had a few opportunities to chat but he just kept looking at me and smiling, it was cute. He is still seeing someone so we just talked and hung out. He told me that he was glad that I decided to come out and that he was just very glad to see me. As he put it, he has somethings to take care of and I told him that I don't want to be the cause of any issues. He had to leave to catch a train so they left but he gave me this huge hug.
Afterwards, we decided to head to a bar near J9 and TS' place. So we went, I had K in my car (I was sober) and he and I sang at the top of our lungs to a CD that I had in my car. We had so much fun! I hung out at the bar for a bit then I decided to head home. But T did call me to see how I was and we've been sending silly text messages.
It was a night that I SOOOO needed!
Friday, May 19, 2006
JT invited me to go to a conference with him tomorrow at the U of C with Latin America business leaders. I think that it will be good for me to get out of the apt and do something. Not to mention, it will be interesting to hear what they have to say. In London, I worked for the Latin America desk for the former DTI and I got to attend a few conferences and meetings and I learned so much. It will be good for me. Of course there is a big "if" which is if JT gives me all the details. He can be flighty sometimes but, if it all works out then I will spend the day learning something and with a friend who gives great hugs and says "Damn, that sucks!"
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I was talking about this yesterday to a friend and I told her that I think I would be able to handle this upsetting news if it was just the only bad thing going on in my life. It just seems that I am loaded down with crap and it gets deeper everyday. I just want something good and positive to happen. But that is why I am pushing people away, I can't be happy for other people because I am not happy and I don't have enough strength to even act happy. So now my mom and I are really on the outs and I don't want to speak or even see her because of the things that she said to me.
When I undergo this procedure, it will just be me who will go, I don't want anyone with me. I will drive myself home and go to my apt alone. There will be nobody there to comfort me, support me, it will just be me. I just have to accept it because nobody can understand why I feeling this way and I am tired of justifying.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
For me, I feel like I have been wandering for quite sometime now and I have no idea where I am going, if I found it or if I am lost. I really just want to find a place to rest and stay a while. I want to find my place in the world.
Monday, May 15, 2006
When I started my blog, I made some up some rules...I decided not to include photos of myself or my friends, I would call friends by their initials if they wanted me to but I promised that I will NOT censor myself. This blog is all about me, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions and I am stuck with them, if I can't be open here then I can't be open at all. I acknowledge that my friends may not like what I write or what my opinions are and that is okay because that is why we are friends. We can't be the same.
But I have found out from my friends that they read this and they get concerned about me. I am told that they are there for me and that they support what I am going through. I have also found that some people have got hurt by what I have written, and I am truly sorry for that. I don't wake up to hurt anyone or anything. But this is my method of expression and it is something that I choose to do for me because I have that choice and because I have to for me.
I realize that you can never runaway! Because no matter where you go you live with yourself and your experiences. What I really want to run from sometimes is my life, I want to shed my skin so to speak and try a different life. I guess that I really want to get rid of the pain and try a new life and have new experiences that can shape me. But the assumption is that it would be better but, you never know. It is like being in a fantasy, you only focus on the good because you can't fanthom the bad.
I did run away a few years ago but, I took with me my experience and my past with me and I wonder where did it get me?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
JT stopped by for a minute...literally...to drop off the second season of the West Wing. He got me addicted to the show. So after about a months after I finished the first season I get to indulge in the second season. I haven't seen him in ages but we did not really have time to chat as he had to meet up with his other friends before his review session for his class.
Now what? I really don't like this!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Another quiet weekend ahead of me. I have a paper to do and that is about it. So maybe it is good that it will be a cold, dark and dreary weekend...seems to mirror me.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I really don't think that anyone can really get why I am so upset/sad. It is not that my brother found someone it is more like I haven't. Call it envy or jealousy, it is one and the same. I know what the drama will be ahead and the family issues that are going to come out of it. I am already the "misfit" on my dad's side and my brother's girlfriend is everyone's favorite replacement. Heck she gets better Christmas gifts and does not have to sit at the "kids" table, unlike me, the forgotten one who just does not fit anyway.
At the same time, I wish that it was me. I wish that this gaping hole in my life was filled. The sucky thing is that this hole in my life, this desire to be loved by some one I love, cared for by someone I care for and wanted by someone I want...this is beyond my control and I am powerless. I am getting older and it does not quell the need that I have to have someone complete in my life but there is not a thing I can do to make that happen. I'm getting to the point where I don't think that it ever will.
I'm tired of weddings and pretending to care about dresses, flowers, invites. Why should I, they are not my problems and there is nothing I can do about them. Plus brides don't want your opinion anyway.
I don't want to go to NY now, I just know that it is not where I fit. I am like that puzzle piece that has an edge broken so it just dose not fit right anywhere. That is me...Home is where the heart is and I don't belong to anyone's heart.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
-got my grades from my mid-terms did well. Now I have to kick ass on my paper, case study, homework and finals to get the coveted grade.
-had a weird dream last night...part of my dream, I was on this lake in a canoe and swimming with Renee Zelwige (sp), and we are hanging out having fun. Then I am called out of the lake and I get to the shore and there are these red ants and I am barefoot and I was brought on shore to step on the ants so she did not have to. Then I went up these stairs near a pool and there was George Michael ready to sit on a ledge to read a book while overlooking the lake and I guess we were friends because we were excited to see each other and he kissed me hello then he
other and he kissed me hello then he glared at Renee's handlers for making me step on the red ants! It was just weird and it was really vivid like the lake was in the fall so the leaves were red, orange, yellow but the water was warm and the pool had a snack bar with a faded box of nerds and other willy wonka candy to advertise what they sold. (I will have to look that one up, it must have been the energy bar a classmate gave me. ) I had another dream last night but I am not telling that one!
-My mom is not speaking to me because of the South America trip drama. She'll have to get over it, it is not my fault the airlines upped the frequent flyer amounts needed.
-I am craving french fries
-I still miss him.
Monday, May 08, 2006
I tend to try and sleep in on the weekends but that does not always work. Also part of the problem is that I tend to get my second wind late at night. I find myself cleaning my apt., paying bills etc at 10 or later at night. Maybe that is a way to distract myself from falling asleep. I find that sometimes I sleep better with someone next to me. I think I still miss that.
A few weeks ago, I had issues falling asleep due to the things that were going on in my life. I would try to start to fall asleep in front of the TV because, if I laid in bed my mind would go in different directions and I would dwell on things that I could not do anything about them. so I would get frustrated and upset so that I would not be able to fall asleep for some time. So TV would distract me enough to fall asleep but that is not the healthy thing to do.
Well I guess this is how things are going to be unless I get another job (fingers crossed) or finish school (18 months to go!). I just need sleep!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Still for me...It is tick tick....
Saturday, May 06, 2006
It seems that when things start to go well, a few weeks or months later it does a complete 180 turn and the thing is that I just tend to stay in that direction for months even years. It just never seems that things pick up and stay up or go the way that I want them to go. I feel like when things get too good, I wait for the ceiling caves in and it never lasts and well I am right.
I was looking forward to so much this year, I honestly thought that '06 would be a good one and I was so optimistic. Now it is almost half way over and it is not going as well as I hoped The only thing that has stayed constant since January is school. I am not able to see my family in South America due to stupid award rules. So now I have two weeks off this summer without school or work and all I will do is sit at home just like every weekend. My calendar is so empty it is pathetic but I will just have to accept it.
Friday, May 05, 2006
In looking at some past blogs I noticed that there is sadness in some of them. It is easier for me to write when I am blue or really in rare ranting form rather than when I am doing ok or happy. But there are things that I am thankful for and so here is to them
-my family that they are healthy, happy and safe
-my friends who are incredible people
-my dog even though he is in NY
-that I can freely choose my educational path and pursue it
-my bed because it is comfy and that I have one
-that I can afford a decent apartment
-music, movies and tv
-books, too many to read too little time
-all the places that I have visited and will visit
-that I have experienced love in my life
-flowers that are blooming and the grass
-that I can make decisions freely
-my reasonable health
-my memories (good and bad) as they shaped who I am now and where I am now in the grand scheme of things
-that I am in tune to who I am inside even if I hide it from others
-for so many other things that I won't have time nor space to recall
Oh...here is my horoscope for the day....Very topical and relevant
Your emotional vision is a perfect 20-20 today -- you will finally see things in a clear, honest way. With little mystery left, the choice will be clear for you. Saying goodbye is surprisingly easy today when you know that this fork in the road holds two very rewarding (yet opposite) plans for each of you. You now see that staying on the same path is a mistake for one of you. You're entering a strong selfless phase that will keep your heart warm even when you're missing people you love.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I really did not think about it all day until I started to drive towards where we were meeting. I got thinking and I got a bit nervous . I was hoping that I would beat him there but he beat me. We started to walk towards each other and just stood there for a few moments looking at each other, I did not know what to do next and he leaned in to hug me. For one second it seemed that things were different but then my mind drew me back to the reality of the situation but it was nice to be hugged again.
The tears began to well up in my eyes and I blinked them away. It was strange at first and the conversation was strained but then we feel back into our conversation and talked and talked. I found myself avoiding eye contact with him because in the past we would just stare in each other's eyes and just talk. I did not want to remind myself how we were in the past because for as much as I suppressed it all, I still feel something for him.
We had a good chat (or at least I think so) and we made each other laugh and just caught up. It got hard to say bye to him. We hugged tightly and again I was brought back to the past and I could feel the tears but I kept reminding myself that things will be okay, they will be okay. We said our good-byes and I went one way and he went another.
The tears started as I walked towards my car and I turned around (which is one thing that I try never to do) and saw him walk away. I really do miss what we had but, I think that we can be friends, time heals and I will be okay...I will be okay...
My next activity is less draining on my brain but a bit more of my heart. D and I have plans for this evening and it will be the first time that we will see each other since that last tearful morning. I have not really recently thought about what it will be like to see him, perhaps in a way I am numb. It seems t that I have done quite a good job at suppressing my feelings. Part of that is the whole survival part you know, the more I suppress them the more I will appear to be ok. It is also a way of putting away the memories that hurt me (the good and bad ones hurt the same sometimes).
I have done my fair share of crying about it and somedays I still tear up. But he has not been a daily part of my life so it has been a little easier to not think about him but when he pops in it can at times be a bit harder. I have been not missing the messages he used to sent me daily as much as I used to. But I still miss him in my life, we had fun. He is a good person with a great heart and mind and there is not one bad thing that I can ever say about him
Tonight will be a challenge between what my head is telling me and what my heart wants. The ultimate challenge in many I suppose. I do miss him in my life and we'll see if we ultimately are a character in each other's lives rather than a part of our past. Tonight will be a step to find out.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I was about to burst yesterday, well I kind of did in a way. I needed to vent, talk, bitch but, I wanted to do that with someone who I did not have to explain the whys and hows. I needed one of my best friends who has known me for so long that she knows what is the method to my madness and for that matter why I am mad. We chatted last night and I got to release it all out, what has been in my head and my heart. She does not patronize nor make light of the seriousness of some of my things but she is supportive and does agree that things suck. That is what I needed to hear, I needed to know that my feelings and issues are justified and validated that yea some things do suck for me. But she does remind me how beautiful I am (which I don't always believe) and she kicks my butt now and then because she knows that I need it.
I have known her since our college days and for the past many many moons thatwe've known each other the two of us had our fair shares of dramas, boyfriends, bad break-ups, career moves, bar nights, tears, medical issues, good things, success, failure and so much more. We've been there for each other in the joys, sorrows, and the in-betweens that life has to offer but, what is amazing is the ability that the two of us share is that we sympathize, empathize and do not patronize. We are honest with each other, yep we'll tell each other when we are fat, skinny or not looking our best and there are no hurt feelings.
Life can suck and we are there to remind each other that sometimes life is hard and that it is sucky right now (especially for what I am dealing with). But we are each other's biggest cheerleaders and I am so glad to have Maria in my life. Thanks darling for everything, love ya!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
However, I wonder what the merits of grades vs, the learning process. I mean, I fall into the trap that I must do well and I set out my goals for the quarter and try to accomplish them. Yep, a strong GPA is important to me. I did graduate with honors as an undergrad so the bar has been set. But what have I learned from school? If I come out of school knowing what I need to know isn't that of greater value than to have a number next to your name. Does it really matter in the job market or the outside world?
At DePaul, we do get grades, GPA and it will appear on our transcripts. At the University of Chicago, they will only release your transcript that states that you graduated the U of C. But then again if you survive the U of C then you deserve to be hired anywhere. (right JT?) However, if you learn something then that should count for something.
I may not care about stats but I get the concept (for the most part). I appreciate it but my math carelessness may not reflect that. Why be a slave to grades? I guess it means that I have to review the studying that I did over the weekend and just be careful....but as long as I learn something , that is more valuable to me than a grade.
Monday, May 01, 2006
It was like the decision that I made a few years ago to move to Chicago. I knew that I had to shake my life up and that I was just going through the motions and I was not happy. When the seed of Chicago was planted, there were signs everywhere. It happened on a Saturday in the apartment in Brooklyn when I trying to decide, I was watching TV...the first channel showed a city and I thought it was a cool skyline but I did not know what city it was, it turned out to be Chicago. I flipped the channel and it was for Pizza hut's Chicago deep dish pizza...Ok...then about a half hour later...a commercial for Chicago's greatest hits. Ok, at that point I got it. That was the direction that the universe wanted me to follow (or at least I think it is).
I am still here in this city but trying to figure out just why? What would happen if I stayed in NY? What is my reason to be here? I have met some people who became my second family and my good friends. But there is something that is not yet satiated and I can't figure it out.
I am looking for signs but I am not sure what to look for, who to look for and why? Is it really at the hands of God, fate, karma, the universe or whatever or is it just the luck of the draw. Does free will make us make decisions so that we learn something? What do we ultimately learn, what do we seek? I guess it is something that is unique to each of us, but there has to be some common link.
One of my friends has the universe pointing him in a certain direction and he knows it but he is afraid of the challenge or perhaps maybe the disappointment and the fear of the unknown. I can see his signs and he has the opportunity for something that may help him down the line, it is a great thing.
Does this mean that other people can see my signs as clear as day but I don't? It would be easier for the signs to be in big billboard neon letters for me to see it! But then again it can't be obvious, simple or easy.
I am just looking and listening to find which direction that the universe is pointing me in. If it was only so simple...but then again life happens! What opportunities that I had would have been missed but then what opportunities would I have been spared? Still looking!