Sunday, April 30, 2006

Flown away

I suspect that my butterfly has decided to fly away. I hope that the butterfly will find what it seeks and maybe our paths will cross again. If not, then I will remember who I knew the butterfly to be and will continue to wish the best.

The search begins again but I think I will halt it for a while. I'm not sure if I can take it any more, it has been too hard of a month for my heart.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


It has been raining all day today and will rain tomorrow. It is a welcome relief from the sun, sometimes you need the rain to recognize how wonderful a blue sky and sun can be. But rain can be a much wanted as well. It washes away the grime of the world or at least the city. Sometimes the sound of rain against the window can be soothing, maybe a reminder of a heartbeat either yours or someone else's. Sometimes you need the rain for whatever reason, to reflect a mood, a manifestation of an emotion, the sound of silence, or the reflection of the rain in the window. Maybe it makes us want to stay in bed, I know that is what I do, I lie in bed with my head turned into the window watching the drops of water.

I guess for me right now, I am glad to see the rain, to watch it fall, to hear it hitting the is what I need. I don't really know why, maybe the answer is all of the above. The sun will come out soon again as will the rain.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Solitude of being...

I read that phrase in a book recently, solitude of being. To me that means discovering who I am in the context of being alone. We all go through that, at least I think we do. When we are each alone and it is quiet our thoughts take over. We may tend to overthink situations, think of possible scenarios and dialogues that we may have or fantasize about the future...all done in t the stillness of our lives. Does this lead to self-discovery or do we create too much out of nothing?

There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Alone is more of what you choose, you don't want others around so that you can get stuff done but, you choose when you get out of being alone and when you want to join the population. Lonely seems to be a yearning, a deeper feeling perhaps a is when you want to be included and you are not, it is when you want to be with your friends/family and they are too busy for you, it is when you want to be loved by someone but you aren't. Alone that I can handle but lonely, not so sure these days.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Going to take a bite out of the big apple...

In about one month, I will be home in NY for a few days. I am so excited to see the fam, my friends and Charlie (the cutest dog in the world). The omens have been all around me, it seems that ever time I turn on the radio I hear Bon Jovi's song "Home" then the other day I heard "Mama, I'm coming home" by Ozzie Osbourn! Lately, I have felt the need to go to NY and get a taste of the city and home, I need it for my head, heart and soul. Not to mention the regular dose of "mom" guilt to top that off. So for Memorial day weekend I will be in NY! I can't wait, it will be my light to keep me going.

Oh my butterfly re-appeared in my horizon with his glow in tact. I have a lot of thinking to do...I am not sure if it is what I want or need.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


About a week ago, a buttefly flew into my life. It was not the most pretty one but it had a beautiful inner glow. I foolishly ignored that glow and focused on the outside. The butterfly was never mine to keep so I opened my hands and let it fly away. Now I am standing here hoping that it will fly back so I can right my foolish wrong.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


At times like this, there is only one person who can put some things that are in my head and my heart into words and that person of course is David Gray. He is a Welsh singer/songwriter who uses words to reflect such powerful images, emotions and moments in time. He seems to capture the essence of my life at different times all the ups and downs. David has been there for me for a long time and I have wrapped some of his songs around me and let them speak when I couldn't. Pete use to joke with me and ask me if it was a David Gray or not when he saw me. Pete knew (and knows) how to get to the core of me and he is one of the few that can pull me out and make me talk about what is going on. Just by listening to what song David was singing in my ears at times, Pete knew what was going on in my life

Right now, there are two songs from his latest album "A New Day at Midnight" that sum it all up for me...they are lately and life in slow motion. For some reason, those two songs encompass my feelings now. I think I will let them speak for me now...

LATELY---That the sky would lift That I’d find my place That I’d see your face in the door And the sun would glint On a time well spent On a time that ain’t no more Takes the broken hearts In the vacant lots To see the fruit that rots on the trees Had to turn my head Leave it all for dead But it’s in my mind always Honey lately I’ve been way down Load on my mind Honey lately I’ve been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know I seen that look in your eye No one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss From this cup of bliss Watch a new lie twist on the breeze You can paint it red Or Leave it all for dead But it’s in my head always Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind Honey lately I've been way down Load on my mind Someone tell me where did it go Darling I'm damned if i know I seen that look in your eye No one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

Now Honey lately Yeh Honey lately Honey lately i've been way down yeh Honey lately i've been way down yeh Honey lately i've been way down Honey lately i've been way down Lately Lately Lately

SLOW MOTION--While I was watching you did a slow dissolve While I was watching you did a slow dissolve While I was watching you did a slow dissolve

Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes Did I imagine they held us hypnotized Did I imagine or do the walls have eyes

Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real Life in slow motion somehow it don’t feel real

Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands Snowflakes are falling I'll catch them in my hands Snowflakes are falling now you’re my long lost friend

Sing on David...this too shall pass...

Monday, April 24, 2006

Jumping into conclusions...

Damn it, I think that I did it again, I jumped into a conclusion prematurely. I really need to learn to be still and think about things longer before I end up doing something stupid! I hope I can untangle this knot, if I can't then I will have to accept the consequence.

Hoping, hoping hoping.....

Sunday, April 23, 2006


Friends are some of the joy of life, in the past week weeks, people have been there for me without me asking for them. I guess I put my yearning in the hands of the universe and my friends have appeared when I did not know that I needed them. I am thankful for them and their support. Especially since a simple think like an email, a phone call or an IM can brighten my day. I am so glad for ya all!

Remember there is a buddist statement that says that the deeper and thicker the mud the more beautiful the lotus blossom.

Thanks to my lotus flowers you know who you are!

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Why can't I find the middle ground...all I want is to find that but it seems so simple but it is the hardest search in my life. I know that relationships develop over time but, when do you know if you hold continue or move on?

I know that when you say well we can be friends, what are the odds of success? Can you really move on after some relationship intensity? Can you change the way that you feel for someone, do you really stop caring? How long does it take to realize that What do you hold on too?

There is nothing that you can do to make a person say, do or be what you want them too. But when do you hold on or let go of that person? Because that person has a part of you in him (or her) and that part is only known to you.

Why is it so hard?

Friday, April 21, 2006


I find that when I do something new I get immersed in, Chicago, London, work, friends, loves... everything. Maybe that is a good thing but sometimes it is not a good thing. I find that immersion makes me optimistic and I find myself just focused on the good but at the same time when things go the opposite way, the immersion falls the other way and I get immersed in the disappointment and sadness.

But it ok to feel emotions. I used to feel bad about feeling bad but then I realized that emotions are here for a reason. So it is okay to feel sad, upset, pissed, happy, silly, joyful, melancholy etc. Emotions are not contained in words but rather expressions and we each have that right to express. Sadness allows us to feel the pending happiness and vice versa. They each give us hope and keep us grounded.

So maybe immersion is a good thing but we have to be careful not to wallow. I have a dear know who you are...who told me a few years ago during a very bad breakup that she loved me but she was not going to contribute to helping me feel bad about myself. She said that yep, it is hard and it hurts but it will not break who you are and that there is more out there and by wallowing, I am not allowing myself to feel the good. I love her for that advice and it comes back to me after some other breaks...thanks Miss J for still keeping it real for are a rock star!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Villages of the world

I often wonder if villages all over the world wake up and wonder where their idiot is. Do the citizens look to see where oh where could their local fool have gone? Is s/he replaced or do they truly mourn the loss. Well dear villagers, I have found some of them...they work for my company. They have all in zombie like states left such magical places such as Farmingdale and Schaumburg and all congregated at various locations of this company to create havoic and drama that does not need to happen as a result of their stupidity!

Now, they are cunning and smart fools because they coyly use their ignorance as their cover and blink their eyes in profound confusion. This only encourages others to pick up their slack and as such the game continues with no end.

Please dear villages please come and claim them, we will be glad to part with them.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


I forgot how much I love this poem and of course Shel Sliverstein:

If you are a dreamer, come in.
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire,
For we have some flax golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Rent and life in 525600 minutes

Rent is one of my favorite plays ever! I saw the play ages ago with a good friend and we loved it ever since I am coming to see the many dimensions of that play. Especially since they did a movie and of course I have the DVD, am I able to grasp new meanings! Maybe it is age, maybe it is wisdom that comes with experience.

I have been listening for the past few weeks to a few of my favorite songs from the play on my Ipod and it is coming together for me. Rent encompasses everything that life has...birth, life, death, friendship, cynicism, hope, disease, enlightenment, dreams, personal struggle, personal strength, loss, art, music, passion, despair, pain, fear, self discovery, devotion, hurt, evolution, numbness, empowerment, non-conformity, family, night life, sexuality, self-involvement, emotion, but most off all the many dimensions of love and what it means in so many contexts.

Perhaps it means that for every year we have 525600 minutes to make the most of our life and each minute can have a myriad of struggles and successes. It all depends on what each of us define as struggle and success. However, no matter what and no matter how hard it is at times for us we have the "seasons of love" and we are loved in one way shape or form by the people who matter. There is no day but today.

Learning to try...

Isn't that an eternal life lesson? We all continue to learn to try and let go, learn to try to set oneself free, learn to try and be, learn to try to open up , learn to try to close up. Learn to try to be yourself in the face of conformity, learn to try to be okay in adversity, learn to try to embrace happiness...I could go on. Each of us have thing that we know we have to learn and yet they are the lessons that affect us in a most profound way they opens up our vulnerability, our deepest thoughts and our emotions. Sometimes we ignore these challenges because they are just too hard to face or deal with and as such we suppress or ignore. But, by doing so do we further close ourselves up to new good experiences?

I guess right now I am learning to try to open up a bit again. I have been noticing that I have been closing up and not allowing most people in. I know that when I have been hurt I tend to close up as a means of self-protection for a number of reasons. But the result is that I close out close friends and family as well as the person who hurt me. It makes me wonder how this actually does affect me. I know that deep down I am optimistic and I continue to believe in the good but nonetheless, as I get older, cynicism creeps in and I have to learn to try and not let it settle.

Just learning to try.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Just another Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday and it is the first "traditional" holiday that I am alone, no family no friends to celebrate it with. It is weird and a bit lonely for me, very quiet. It looks like it will be one of those days when I do not speak nor hear from anyone. I reached out to some friends yesterday but did not hear back, you can't make people want to respond to you.

But it will be another Sunday...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Here comes the sun....

It seems like spring in Chicago lasted a week, it has been in the high 70s these past few days. It is hard to tame your mind when you went from a chilly winter to a very warm spring. So it means that I have to do the semi-annual clothes exchange. Something to look forward to but, of course after I make the switch the temperatures will go down. Last night we had a thunder storm, another prediction that the warmer weather was here. Since living in the mid-west, it seems that then thnder storms are more intense with brighter lightening and louder thunder. Strange how polar opposites can cause such electricity.

This summer I plan to drag friends to street fairs, the beach, the fests, the parls and perhaps a baseball game or two. Summer in Chicago is brilliant, it seems that people come alive and crawl out of the gray winter with this desire to live it up for a few months. It is an awakening.

I am been feeling a bit better about things these past few days. We chatted and it put a few things into perspective well in my mind anyway. Plus the sun is out and there is a feeling of pure energy and not to mention the tons of songs that I have downloaded on my ipod. But all in all things are looking up well as for now.

Pete stopped by the office! I ws so glad to see him, even though I saw him a few weeks ago. We chatted a bit and I filled him in. He wants me to get my bubbles back...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I don't want to die

All over they had that quote for a passenger who was on the flight 93. Those words brought up a lot of thought and memories. I was in NYC that day and there are some things that no matter what happens, I will never forget. I will never forget standing on 34th and 5th watching tower one implode, I will not forget the smell that was in the air for months afterwards, I will not forget the missing signs all over the city, I will not forget the many stories that came out that day nor will I forget the compassion that NY'ers showed that day.

I know that I won't be in line to see the new movie about that flight. I do not need to see the horror and agony on that flight because we all know what happened. Those people on that flight were heroes who protected live, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. They are etched in our minds and hearts. I just can't submit myself to see a movie where there is no hope.

I guess that the memories of that day is etched in my being and will always be. NYC is my city, the trade center was in my backyard, it was where my father worked, it was near where I had my first interview after college, it was steel and glass but it had a life. I just want to respect that life and those who died that day.

In other developments, we are friends...things will be okay...they have to be one way or another.

Where to start

Ok, so blogs have become commonplace in the past few years and although I did not think I would post my thoughts on a public forum, I became curious....about the virtual community, the flatness of the world, the vast opinions, the commentaries and the uniqueness of each person and the common links that tie it all together.

In my life I notice that there are common threads and links that connect people together, most common is pain. Most specifically, the pain of love lost. Love is such a complex word in itself, In Greek there are four words for Love...each representing a facet of the emotion...philia (love for friends, community, loyalty) , eros (passionate sensual love), agape (love of humanity, spiritual love), storge (affection, love between parent and child). We all experience these emotions and feelings.

I guess now that the currents changed in the past few days, my feelings have changed too. I know that I did not love him, I only knew him for a few months. I know that I cared for him, more than he did for me. But the undercurrent of what defines who we are is love we just have to define what it was to each of us, I suppose. But in essence, maybe these past few days will turn into a great friendship or turn into a wonderful set of memories that I can reflect to when I need and want too. Time will tell....but for now I miss him.

It is funny how we live our lives on our own and when we meet a person the subtle changes go unnoticed. Then when they go away even for a vacation or for good, the subtle changes become so apparent. Right now for me, I miss the text messages in the middle of the day to see how work is going and to make sure I did not "kill" a stupid co worker, the phone calls from the bus on the way home that would turn into 3 hour chats, the one line silly emails, the feeling of comfort, the silliness and the whole experience.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I miss our friendship. I am hoping and I know that hope springs eternal....