Friday, October 29, 2010

Waiting for the end...of October

I am looking forward to the end of this month, it was just not a good month, there was more sadness than I expected....

The low lights:
-A lot of tears
-Stressed eating (or non-eating) habits
-Gaining weight
-A troubling blood test
-Feeling useless at your job and no new jobs or interviews on the horizon
-Being slighted by friends
-Saying bye to a good friend as she moves back to the east coast

But the things that I am looking forward to
-Halloween party with the neighbors
-The dogs' costumes
-Finding "our" groove again and the mutual feeling that we will be better than before
-That we are going on vacation in a few weeks with my best friend, her husband and baby
-Knowing that I will only work 6 days in December
-Holidays in NYC

So I want to focus on the positive and say see ya to October and know that the rest of the year will be so much better.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

down the ladder

So, I have been looking for a job for almost a month. I have polished up my resume, had it reviewed, drafted cover letters and started to apply for jobs. I was thinking that I had some time and that my current job would remain in a holding pattern.

But it has gone bad to worse. so much so that today, I was asked to revert back to my admin days. Not just a step back, but like a decade step back. I was asked to "pitch in" and help since a number of people were laid off and or quit that two departments are short staffed. It is not surprising that this has happened, my boss warned me about this a few weeks back. I told my boss that I have no problem helping out but it must have a defined end date that must not exceed a few weeks. He agreed. However, with today's "offer" 9think Godfather offer you can't refuse) that this is indefinite.

Pissed does not even cover what I feel. the person who offered me the job is not my boss nor in my department and I have helped him with projects in the past. But he burned me badly a few weeks back when I was pulled from my major all consuming project so, as you can imagine, I am not in the mood to do him any favors.

So, I have a call with my boss to discuss this new turn of events. He knows that I am not happy nor have I been over the past few weeks. He also is not too thrilled with the way things are playing out. But I suspect that his power has diminished and his hands tied.

This month has been one for the records, I really can't take any more stress. My body is feeling the effects.

I am not sure how much I can take.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

making it about us

Relationships are hard, they ebb and flow they get crossed up in the cross hairs of arguments, laughter, communications and silence.

Marriages fall into that category, except perhaps they are a bit more complicated because you add this layer of intimacy or rather many layers of intimacy. It is a sacred friendship, one that you don't have with your parents, your siblings or your friends, it is a different creature..

So when your marriage is rocked or when your world is broken, how can you deal? How do you deal?

Right now, things are rough. Our world has been rocked, our life turned on its head and we are trying to each figure out what to do.

I came very close so close to walking away. That would have been the easy thing to do. But when something means so much to you, you fight. The things that matter are worth fighting for. And regardless of the outcome, we tried and we fought to stay together, to rebuild.

He and I want to become "us" again. It is not going to be simple nor quick but we want "us" back and are each willing to fight for "us" to exist.

We started therapy tonight and I feel a bit better. I have some glimmer of hope that this hiccup in our relationship will make us stronger. There will be a lot of work to do, more tears to be shad, thoughts to be thought. But we can only try to make "us" whole again.

I wanted to thank you for all your support. The comments, text messages, calls and email were so appreciated. When you go through this, you can easily feel isolated and alone but, I feel connected to you all and I thank you. It means so much!

I am also keeping the cause of this rough patch to myself (our self) I consider it a part of what we have to deal with and want to work on it rather than expose it. Maybe one day I will but for now, it is the catalyst to change.

Monday, October 04, 2010


I am so broken right now. The tops of my cheeks are so puffy from crying on and off all night and all morning.

I am trying to figure out if I can forgive and forget. Can you forget how in a moment your world shattered into splinters? Or forget the way things used to be? Can you forgive the greviance and forget the unspeakable pain?

I am at a major life crossroads and all I know is that my world is changed and I will never be the same.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Won't you be my neighbor?

The other day I did something uncharacterist , I invited a neighbor over for dinner.

I am very introverted and it sometimes takes a lot of mental prep to get out of my shell. I am used to be a homebody and being alone. I never had a large group of friends but a handful of close ones. And most of them live on the east coast and our lives sometimes make it hard to connect. It was (and still is) hard to make friends. I have a rough history of people who I considered friends turn and decide not to hang out with me anymore...Kids can be cruel. so that has left some scars and had made the saying "once bitten twice shy" more and more relevant as I got older.

When C moved in and we met, I said to myself (in my head) she seems nice and is someone who I would like to know. Then wedding planning and my intorversion (is that even a word?) took over. A few weeks ago, we had a condo meeting and she happened to sit next to us and we started making small talk when she mentioned that Tim Gunn was coming to Chicago and as I was about to mention that we should go, the meeting began. She had to dash as soon as it was over.

So I sent her an email asking if she wanted to go. She was onboard and started to work out the logistics only to realize that she was going to start a class that day and could not go. But we made tentative plans to get together.

So the other day, I pulled the trigger and asked her over to dinner. She accepted and we made plans. On Wedensday she came over with a cheese tray and a lovely bottle of wine. It was a bit awkward at first but, we soon warmed up and began to laugh and chat. I was so glad to have company since Hubs was travelling and it was nice to just get to know somebody.

She dropped me a note telling me how much fun she had and invited me over next week for drinks and a movie night.

The next part of my plan is to have her and her husband over to hang out with us I feel a game night coming on.