making it about us

Relationships are hard, they ebb and flow they get crossed up in the cross hairs of arguments, laughter, communications and silence.

Marriages fall into that category, except perhaps they are a bit more complicated because you add this layer of intimacy or rather many layers of intimacy. It is a sacred friendship, one that you don't have with your parents, your siblings or your friends, it is a different creature..

So when your marriage is rocked or when your world is broken, how can you deal? How do you deal?

Right now, things are rough. Our world has been rocked, our life turned on its head and we are trying to each figure out what to do.

I came very close so close to walking away. That would have been the easy thing to do. But when something means so much to you, you fight. The things that matter are worth fighting for. And regardless of the outcome, we tried and we fought to stay together, to rebuild.

He and I want to become "us" again. It is not going to be simple nor quick but we want "us" back and are each willing to fight for "us" to exist.

We started therapy tonight and I feel a bit better. I have some glimmer of hope that this hiccup in our relationship will make us stronger. There will be a lot of work to do, more tears to be shad, thoughts to be thought. But we can only try to make "us" whole again.

I wanted to thank you for all your support. The comments, text messages, calls and email were so appreciated. When you go through this, you can easily feel isolated and alone but, I feel connected to you all and I thank you. It means so much!

I am also keeping the cause of this rough patch to myself (our self) I consider it a part of what we have to deal with and want to work on it rather than expose it. Maybe one day I will but for now, it is the catalyst to change.

Broken

I am so broken right now. The tops of my cheeks are so puffy from crying on and off all night and all morning.

I am trying to figure out if I can forgive and forget. Can you forget how in a moment your world shattered into splinters? Or forget the way things used to be? Can you forgive the greviance and forget the unspeakable pain?

I am at a major life crossroads and all I know is that my world is changed and I will never be the same.

Won't you be my neighbor?

The other day I did something uncharacterist , I invited a neighbor over for dinner.

I am very introverted and it sometimes takes a lot of mental prep to get out of my shell. I am used to be a homebody and being alone. I never had a large group of friends but a handful of close ones. And most of them live on the east coast and our lives sometimes make it hard to connect. It was (and still is) hard to make friends. I have a rough history of people who I considered friends turn and decide not to hang out with me anymore...Kids can be cruel. so that has left some scars and had made the saying "once bitten twice shy" more and more relevant as I got older.

When C moved in and we met, I said to myself (in my head) she seems nice and is someone who I would like to know. Then wedding planning and my intorversion (is that even a word?) took over. A few weeks ago, we had a condo meeting and she happened to sit next to us and we started making small talk when she mentioned that Tim Gunn was coming to Chicago and as I was about to mention that we should go, the meeting began. She had to dash as soon as it was over.

So I sent her an email asking if she wanted to go. She was onboard and started to work out the logistics only to realize that she was going to start a class that day and could not go. But we made tentative plans to get together.

So the other day, I pulled the trigger and asked her over to dinner. She accepted and we made plans. On Wedensday she came over with a cheese tray and a lovely bottle of wine. It was a bit awkward at first but, we soon warmed up and began to laugh and chat. I was so glad to have company since Hubs was travelling and it was nice to just get to know somebody.

She dropped me a note telling me how much fun she had and invited me over next week for drinks and a movie night.

The next part of my plan is to have her and her husband over to hang out with us I feel a game night coming on.

Tidbits

So it is another lazy Sunday. The Hubs just left for his third trip to Canada so it is just me and the beasts. I have gotten used to it but, it does not make it easier. I have found myself antsy at times but, I have found some things to keep me busy and we have our daily video chats.

One of the top thins on my "to do" list is my resume. It is official, I am looking for a new job!

I have not been let go but, one of my major project that I was working on as a PM was pulled from me by my bosses new boss. I was 97% complete before it was pulled form me and I was not happy. The past few weeks have been incredibly weird and stressful. With the loss of some key players of our executive team and the quiet acquisition by a sister company it has become apparent that the way we have been doing things are not the way things will be done now.

The change is palpable and with some ears on the ground and with some honest conversations with my boss. I am seeing more and more that I may not fit the new mold. And I am okay with it and decided to make change happen so I am going to start to look for a new job.

I was encouraged after a number of conversations with my husband and then speaking with one of my neighbors. She is very well connected and helped talked me through some ideas and has given me the push that I needed to pull myself together and take the plunge.

As nervous as I am, I find myself very excited about the possibilities. The initial search that I did has netted me some job leads and really amazing opportunities out there for my skill set.

So what are your job searching tips?

Week one, day one

This week starts the Hubs six to eight week sojourn to Canada for work. Granted he will be home on the weekends but, I am not used to being alone. It is strange to thank that a couple of years ago I was living by myself and did not depend on anybody. It is not to say I depend on him but, I am so used to having him around to help with the dogs, help with dinner or even just have a conversation with. So it will be weird at first but, we will get used to it.

So this weekend, he had a list of things to tackle around the house. This was done, of course, after the Renegade art fair. If you have never been the Renagade art fair is a done at various weekends around the country and features crafters from all over and their unique goods. Almost all of the vendors are on etsy, so it was fun to see the variety. I thought that I would be the one burning through the cash but it turned out that Hubs took the cake. He had so much fun, and loved the quirkiness of it all. He kept looking at the different booths saying I want this, or we should get that. He restrained himself to a really cool graphic print, a laptop case and some quirky postcards. But we ended up with a number of business cards and websites for future purchases.

Looking back at the summer, we had some really great weekends together and with friends. Last weekend, we took the dogs and went to the burbs to visit friends. She invited Yukon and Rosie to play and run with her dogs. She has two big dogs and they were so thrilled to have friends over. As soon as we got there and took Yukon off her leash she took off and ran and played then pooped out before her second and third and fourth wind. You would never know she is going to be 12! Rosie ran the joint. My friend has an alpha female dog who is the boss but, when Rosie came along there was a wee power struggle and Rosie won. So there is this 8 pound dog running and playing with a 60 pound dog who would drop the toy if Rosie ran up to her.

So it starts, a few days each week without Hubs.

Any book recommendations?

Ramblings cause I am sick

I have this weird plague thing going on. OK it may not be an actually plague but I am sick. It started off with a sore throat that lead to a runny/stuffy nose that lead to a slight on-again off-again fever. Jealous much? I have been working from home in my pjs and whining to the dogs about how miserable I am. They just look at me and go back to sleep.

I am just glad that I am sick the week that Hubs is home. Because for the next 6-8 weeks, Hubs will be commuting back and forth from Chicago to Toronto. Meaning that he will leave for Canada on Sunday or Monday and be home on Friday. He has been working on a project for over a year and it is taking a direction that requires people on the team to work in Canada and he was chosen.

He suspected that this may happen and when it happened, I was not happy I am ok with business travel, hell I spent two weeks in NJ last year for a project (that never happened) but 6-8 weeks when it was suppose to be two weeks max. Then I realized that he may not be home for my birthday but, he assures me that he will because he has a sleep study the day before my birthday. Smart man.

So, I have been thinking of ideas on how to keep busy when he is in Canada*. here is my list so far

1-Clean the floors in all the rooms,
2-Clean the grout in the bathroom
3-Bead
4.Work with Rosie on her doggy manner class homework

I don't want to spend most of my time watching television, I want to be somewhat productive. I admit that there will be times when I will plop on the couch and turn on the tube but, I want to try to make that the exception rather than the norm.

What ideas do you have? Mind you, I can't do anything immediately after work because I have to come home and walk the dogs.

*We did talk about me coming up to visit him in Canada but I have to get my passport changed. Since I took his name my passport has my old one. Plus we are trying to watch our pennies.

Nine lives

I think that I have nine lives and right now I am in life five. Last week, we had a round of layoffs in my office. I knew they were coming and I knew who would be given the pink slip. I wasn't "in the know" as a manager or was told by somebody but I read the writing on the wall. See, I have been in this position before when you know that things are bad, you know that they are letting people in different offices go, you see the public financial reports and then whoop, here is another acquisition. This particular acquisition had a catch, it had a number of people who did the same thing and a few jobs that would not be relevant. We were warned that the top brass was looking for the best of the best. And last week, those who did not make the cut were let go.

It sucks to watch this unfold, seeing HR call people one by one and seeing them come out in tears and packing up their desk and heading out in less than 10 minutes start to finish. I have seen it four times before and probably will see it over the life cycle of my career. It sucks, survivor guilt I suppose.

Then to top this all off, our senior management was shaken up and the results have wrecked morale and stirred up the rumor mill. And thus began the chain of events, after the all of the layoffs; a few people quit. Our office when from a lively place a few months ago to a very quiet one. We lost staff to the other office and the lay offs. I

So where do I stand, I am safe for now and probably will be for a few more months. I hold a unique position in the company and right now I am busier than ever. It is not to say when I am done with my projects, they won't show me the door. It does say that I have to get a few ducks in order so that I am prepared to do what needs to be done for me. It has given me time to reflect on my job(s) and what I want to be when I grow up.

But at the same time, the opportunities are endless.

Have you been through a lay off? How did it affect you?

------------------------------
Hubs is doing much better, he saw a top notch cardio last week who thinks that this was an isolated event give the fact that Hubs is healthy. However, he does want to rule out a few things so the Hubs will have to undergo a stress test, wear a heart monitor and have a sleep study over the next few weeks. Better safe than sorry!

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts!

Our second year and our first adventure

Hubs and I celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend. It is so strange to think that we celebrated a year, in a way it feels that we got married just last week but, have been together for a long time.

We celebrated a day early with an indulgent dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. We had wonderful wine, a great dinner and a luxe dessert We even got our neighbors to take our photo, prom style. It was a nice quiet evening that we just celebrated our marriage. Sunday was the actual day and we spent the morning in doggy school. Rosie has been signed up for intermediate doggy manners class to work out some behaviors. After class, we picked up my gift for Hubs. a replica wedding cake. For our wedding we had a small cake to cut and had cupcakes for our guests. So I had our cake replicated.

That evening we had cake and sparkling wine with one of my bridesmaids.

But, that evening started one of the scariest moments of my life.

Hubs went to bed complaining that his heart felt like it was racing. He did not sleep and when he got up in the morning he was not feeling better. He took the dogs out and came back all sweaty and exhausted for a simple walk. He did not want to go to the hospital or the doctor, he thought that it would pass. So we went to the store and after he made it past the front door red and sweaty, I made him call his doctor. So right in the paper good asile, the nurse told him to go to the ER

After a quick trip home for a shower, to pack a few things and grab a sandwich. We have both been to the ER before and knew the wait could be a while.

so we got to the hospital and they took us in right away. Within minutes, he was in a bed with electrodes on his chest an IV in his arm and a bunch of nurses and a doctor in his "room". His heart was in a fib. His heart was at 177-200 beat a minute! A normal heart is around 77-89. They started to rush around him adding meds to his IV and talking him through the process. We all stood by the monitor watching the numbers work their way down. At the same time, his blood pressure dropped. So they slowed down the med and he was made to lay down.

It seemed like an eternity before the numbers started to get into the normal range but, reality was only a few minutes. They had to give him a does a blood thinner to prevent clots due to his low BP. This gained him admission to the hospital. Once stabilized, he began to make jokes with the nurses and the doctors and tried to make me laugh.

I was so afraid, I could not believe what was happening. I got scared and began to get tears in my eyes. There was no way I could lose him, there was no way, we were just starting. He assured me that he was not going anywhere! He began to tease me how he always promised me adventure and I teased him that he had to stick around to kill bugs and reach the high shelves.

He got a room a few hours later and I went home to grab a few things for him. He stayed in the hospital for a few days for observation and got released on Wednesday evening. His brother and sister in law came by to visit, our neighbors took care of our dogs in the evenings so I could be with Hubs and our phone and facebook had messages of support from our friends and family.

He got released with orders to see the cardiologist. The doctors could not find a reason why this happened but we just have to make sure it does not happen again. So he is not allowed coffee or booze and is on some meds.

So our first week of our second year together began with a wild adventure. I told him that this is the worst that I will allow this year to be so only good things from now on. We made it through this together, he leaned on me, and I had to be brave. He always promised me an adventure, and together we will face it all.

Happy anniversary, babe. For better and worse, in sickness and in health. I love you always.

Spinning plates

Have you ever watched the circus performers spin plates, they strat to spin them on their finger then transfer them to these long sticks and them try to spin more plates while kee[ong the previous plates in motion?

Yea, that is what has been going on with me lately. I am working on this huge high profile project at work and was doign well, until someone else dropped the ball and handed it to me and then went on vacation. I was dreading today, I had a restless sleep thinking about spreadsheets. But ya know, it was not all that bad. Once I organized the info, worked out a plan with my counterpart, and started to get responses to my email things started to move. And I was able to breath. I know that I can do this and do it well and I so so glad that the higher ups are noticing what I have been doing.

So while I am appearing calm, my brain is all over the place and I feel a bit loopy and out of it (sorry I have not caught up on some blogs!). At the end of the day, I am just glad to come home see three furry faces, have a nice glass of wine and veg out with the hubs.

Plus there are some exciting things that have popped up in the past few days that we will have to wait and see if they pan out but, I am not going to over think, if it happens it will happen....I just hope that it happens.

So what plates are you spinning?

Sucks

Sometimes it sucks to be so far from your family.

Sometimes it sucks to get a phone call telling your grandmother in another country passed away.

Sometimes it sucks when you can't speak to your mom because she is on a plane.

Sometimes it sucks when your stoic dad gets emotional on the phone.

Sometimes it sucks to realize that the last time you made a trip there was 14 years ago and that money and lack of vacation time prevented you from doing so.

Sometimes it sucks that you could not say good bye.

So yea, sometimes it sucks.

Her-story epeats

As a kid, it took me awhile to understand the phrase "History repeats". Sure enough though out many years of history classes you learned about it (Like never invade Russia in the winter!)

It was recently that i noticed personal history also repeats. A few weeks back I got contacted by a former friend of mine on FB. We were close growing up and then we went to the same school and things did not go well. She became part of a group that ignored me, teased me and were cruel to me. It was not an easy time for me and my self esteem took a hit.

As I debated whether to accept or not,I stopped and looked at my life now and realized that this incident has happened to me throughout various parts of my life. It was not an exact story but there have been a lot of common elements that exist even today.

The only thing that changed is my reaction to it. I get over it easier or at least faster. I don't dwell on it and try to move on with my life (it is not always easy) or I just remove myself from the situation. Self protection perhaps, but I can anticipate how the story will go.

I did accept her friend request, I am glad to see that she is doing well. Now I have to figure out how to break the story I am currently in.

What about you, do you see trends and history repeating in your life?

Not as busy as a bee

So my lovely three day weekend last week was not what I expected. I had to work for half a day on Friday. I did accomplish a few things like going to my doctor, went to the fabric store (although I did not find a fabric I liked for the big secret project) and started to work on our wedding album.

Lately, work has been very busy. I am glad though because ti makes my days fly by the downside is that it is getting harder and harder to take some time off. I don't mind checking in ones or twice but, I don't like to be teathered to my laptop or phone when I am suppose to be out and about.

I do have a great boss who has granted me a half a day on Friday to make up for my hours "in the office" last week. So we are thinking about venturing into to the Taste of Chicago for lunch.
We also have a call with our financial planner, hopefully we can find a balance that will work for us.

I feel that I am making a lot of sacrifices and am still feeling a bit over my head. I question sometimes was the grad degree worth the costs? Of course it is but it takes a while to pay off both professionally and financially. I have seen some benefits and I am lucky to be in the position I am now because of that degree.

Lately, I am in a spendy mood, I want to buy a bedroom set, a screen door, tile our backsplash re-do our office and get a proper desk, replace some clothes that are old or too small (yea lets add go to the gym to that one) and go on vacation. We will probably get the door and figure out a back splash. The rest will wait...until we win the lotto!

Two three

I have two three day weekends in a row. I am taking tomorrow off and it has been much needed. I have so many things that I want to do and have to do and I wanted some time to do it without sacrificing too much of the weekend so tomorrow I plan to:

-Go to the doctor for a check up (Ugh it is all the way downtown, in the early morning because traffic is going to suck!)
-Go to the fabric store to pick up a button for a blouse, some thread for the dog toy triage center I have in my office (they tore up some of their favorite stuffed toys) and look at upholstery fabric for a super secret project that I will blog about soon
-Go to the dry cleaner to drop off clothes that have accumulated for months, yea not too proud of that one
-Go through the wedding photos and pick a few to frame
-Print said photos and actually frame them
-Start to create a wedding album
-go to my neighbors contemporary dance show

So that is a full day and I hope to cross many off of my to do list.

What is your to do list if you had tomorrow off?

Spotless

I am in a cleaning/decorating mood. I want to scrub down the condo from top to bottom and then I want to get rid of stuff.

I have this habit of putting things in (separate) piles and pretend that they are not there. Clothes, paper, shoes etc. It is getting to the point where the piles have piles! so I am planning on taking this Friday off. I have a doctors appointment then I am woman on a mission, going to the fabric store to get a button and look at some fabric for a project, the off to the dry cleaner and home by noon.

Having an extra off day makes my weekend feel more productive.

What would you do with an extra day off this week?

Just so personal;

The other day, I had lunch with a good friend of mine. We haven't seen each other in a few months and we wanted to catch up. Over lunch, she leaned back, took a breath and then began to tell me what has really been going on. I could tell it was not something that she talked about a lot and she began to talk more and more about this particular situation. As she did, she seemed to relax a bit more. I told her that she can always call me and talk about this and other situations anytime, that I am here for her.

She seemed really relived and then leaned in from across the table and whispered "It is such a personal thing, that I just did not know if I can talk to anyone about it."

That statement sums up the way I have been feeling about my blog (yep one of those blogger talking about blogging posts).

In the past few months there have been some things going on that are personal. My husband reads my blog and I am okay with that because it is not things that he hasn't heard before. But since getting married there are some issues that we are in the midst of that affect both of us. By blogging about them, I am exposing part of his life too.

Yet, at the same time, these are the things I want to talk about, I want input on them but, I just can't. It has really eaten me up inside because I do want some different perspectives that comments provide.

So I am trying to find some sort of balance. Yet, it is leaving me feeling that I am writing about superficial things like random weekend events.

I am working on finding that balance, finding the zen between personal and public. How do you do it?

Fluttering

I am now becoming entrenched in a new project at work that involves an acquisition. It is strange to be on the other side of an acquisition (the winning side so to speak). But that means that there is a lot of work and integration will be a long and bumpy process. So I have been traveling between my original office and the "new" office a few miles away, I have been on conference calls that start when I begin my commute home and often end with me sitting on the top of my stairs in front of my door (if I go in the dogs go nuts).

I get home so drained and tired. So this past weekend was a chance for me to rest and recoup. Except that Rosie does not have a snooze button and is awake every day at 5:45 which means we are all awake at 5:45 and I have been out on walks at 6. But we finally figured out a way to trigger her snooze button. Let Yukon sleep with her! She slept in yesterday to 8:30 but, we think that the long walk along the lake shore had something to do with it too.

Saturday we spent the day with my in laws. My sister in law and I went to a wine festival in Elgin to support a charity that her sister works at. We got to try about 12 wines and considereing that we swapped, it was about 24. There are an amzing amount of local wines (produced inIndiana, Michigan and Illinois ) most were fruit wines. There was this lovely rhubarb wine and an almond champagne.

After the festival we went back to their house for a nice BBQ where my brother in law served as the neurotic grill master. But to his credit, everything was wonderful!

The rest of the weekend was spent at home, cleaning sleeping, catching up on some movies, playing wtih the dogs and going for long walks.

We need more long weekends.

What was your highlight?

Not quite myself

I am feeling "off" lately. It is a mixture of feeling unappreciated, underwhelmed, tired, helpless frustrated, anti-social and stressed.

The frustrated, helpless and stressed feelings I can dive deeper into I know why I am feeling this way, I know the causes but unfortunatly there is no quick fix. It is a daily reminder of "Hi, here is your life now, here is the life you want and there is no way at this time to bridge the gap" My life is not that bad at all, I know that. I am quite fortunate in many respects but, there are things that I want (not necessary material goods although a Mac book with be nice) and I know that I can't get them. It is just beating me up.

Tired well that is due to the lack of a full nights sleep. I tend to wake up at least once during the night. The cat likes to scratch the door at the wee hours for attention or he decides to be sick at 3:14 am. Or the thunder wakes me up or I am too hot/too cold or I had a nightmare, or a siren goes off etc.

All of this makes me just want to hibernate and hide and try to figure my way out of this funk. I just don't know how.

Note: This is not a reflection of my marriage. I am very lucky to have my husband for so many reasons.

Putting away the suitcases

We got back yesterday from our weekend in NY. It was one of those trips that we did not plan to do anything. We both had to plug into the office on Friday so we stayed near my parent's house. My friend, her husband and her cute baby came up to visit we along with my dad and brother. I was able to satisfy my pizza requirements and it was a lot of fun catching up. We both new that the baptism would be crazy and when there is a baby as good and cute as Baby V, you will get no baby time.

We spent Saturday at the zoo and just strolled around the park. We had a good time and as my Hubs puts it, "the residents were lovely it was the visitors that were not". It was so true, some parents and kids were just out of control.

My dad took us out for Portuguese food that evening and it was so good. Hubs is determined to find a Portuguese restaurant in Chicago, any ideas?

Sunday we headed to Staten Island for the christening*. And on the way we went through all 5 bouroughs, one was not on purpose! We crossed 7 bridges round trip (two not on purpose). But ithe whole ceremony and party were worth it. Baby V was so well behaved she slept through most of it and at the part was passed around. She would just sit on you lap and look around. I tried but she would not fit in my purse. But she is going to come with her mom to visit us soon! WE were able to catch up with some friends and make news ones.

One of the people at our table is a filmmaker and my friends business partner. Their short file has been shown in 4 film festivals so far and has gotten some great reviews. He was very interesting to talk to! They are busy with four more films that they are hoping to work through this year.

Yesterday we came back to Chi town to tow very excited dogs and a pleased cat. It was good to be home and share a bed again. My parents ave kept my room and my brother's the same, with one twin bed so Hubs and I had our own room!

*I did wear my black dress but paired it up with my hot pink shoes and a hot pink flower pin. It looked great!

Black?

In a few weeks, Hubs and I are heading to the big apple to attend the christening of my best friend's baby. This is her first and she loves being a mom. She was my matron of honor and we joked that it was good she chose an empire waist dress since she was 8 weeks pregnant then. Her biggest regret was not having champagne at the wedding so we will be bringing her a bottle.

Her daughter was born in February during the worst snow storm of the winter and I was one of the few people that they called an hour after the birth. I have been given the title of Aunt.

Needlessness to say, we can't wait to go.

I have a question though, is it appropriate to wear a black dress for a christening? I would wear it with pink heels.

So what are your thoughts?

Hoping for a harvest

We spent our weekend doing the typical one day of errands and second day of chores. The bathroom and back deck are spotless, The floors cleaned (Until tonight when Yukon's shedding form fur tumble weeds) and an outright avoidance of the room that really needs attention...the office. We have too much stuff there, paper, desks random stuff. We need to get rid of most of it. We have two tables that we use as desks and then we have 4 bookshelves we realized that they take up too much space and that room is suffocating. So we are trying to think of a way to reduce clutter and open it up. Any ideas?

We planted our tiny deck box. We decided on basil, strawberries and stevia. While we know the basil will grow, we are wondering how the rest of the two will do. It is an experiement. Last year we did not have a deck box garden because of the stress surrounding the wedding. So this year, I wanted to have one. I wish we had a little patch of soil to work on because I would love to grow tomatoes and cucumbers with a few more herbs. But we will make do with what we got.

There has been some passive aggressive behaviour that is affecting our condo and last night we were in the middle of it. As with most condos, noise is an issue especailly if you have back decks, a few friends, a few drinks and open windows. One neighbor sent out a snotty, insult filled request for parties to be done by 10. This said neighbor has been the author of a number of these types of emails, he has this huge sense of entitlement and has not made any effort to come to any condo meetings. So the emails and insults continue.

Last night, many neighbors decided to rebel against this tenent by holding an impromptu drink/ bbq session, under our bedroom window. Normally, we do not mnid but the smoke, noise and unleashed dogs were getting a bit out of hand. Thankfully a few neighbors approached us and told us to let them know when we need them to quiet down. I said as long as they wrap up at 10 we are good and they did.

Communication is key but, I suspect that this type of passive aggressiveness is going to be a shot across the bow and we expect a few more rounds in this battle. We want a house.