Furniture and an insight

So since I last left you we finally pulled the trigger and got our bedroom furniture. We went to ten stores since November and had countess discussions. On Saturday we went and rented a van to pick up our purchases and over the past few days, Hubs has been assembling and moving the heavy big stuff in and out of the bedroom. Right now, our condo is a bit of mess, with boxes and odd furniture pieces here and there but, after this weekend with my planned purge and organization everything will be back in its place and we will have a new looking condo (well at least two rooms) until we decide to paint which will be in the spring.

My goal is to be focused on keeping the house tidy and clean because when it is messy and chaotic it makes me stressed and a bit crazy. Then that feeling on top of the craziness that is my job and some other life issues have put me close to the edge. Last week, after getting some not so great news, I just has a meltdown which is a combo of shutting down and crying a pure basic pity party. Except I have been having them more often than not and I realized that misery love misery and I can continue down this path or I can change it. So after a long talk with Hubs, we have decided to start doing thing that make us happy to attract more happy and positive things. Sure there are situations outside our sphere of influence but, we can change ourselves.

Granted, this is not a huge revelation but, the changing anything including our mid set will be an undertaking. I am feeling better about things and yes, things still bum me out but I am trying to spin them into good things. It works on more situations that it used to.

Also, I know that I have not commented on some of your blogs as much as I used to. I am still reading and in fact star number that I mean to comment on. Work has become big brother and I have not been on the computer when I get home lately. I will catch up soon.

2011 Condo to do list

With the new year came a list of things that we hope to accomplish in 2011 in our condo. So far the first two weeks of the year have been productive. We purchased a rug for our living room and an affordable one at that. This weekend we had our backsplash installed with the help of a friend or ours. Actually, Hubs and our friend did most of the work. I just picked up lunch. But the backsplash looks amazing and we are happy with the results.

The rest of the list we hope to get done throughout the year they include:

-getting a humidifier installed

-paint the bathroom

-re-do the office

The one that we though would be easy but has turned into such a project is finding a bedroom set. We have looked but have not found any that is within our budget and that is stylish. Any ideas??

A fond farewell

The last few months of 2010 sucked. There is no other way to wrap it up other than saying it sucked. It started with Hubs in the hospital and then just rolled on. I was looking forward to saying a fond fair well in 2010 saying good bye to the suck and looking forward to a fresh start a new year with new possibilities.

But 2010 did no go quietly, when we though that it could not get any worse...it did. On Christmas day, while we were in NY our cat Chaplin passed away at the age of 7. To say we are devastated is an understatement. He got ill before we left and we went to the vet, they told us he was sick with kidney disease and we made plans to have him see a specialist when we got back. Our pet sitter sent us daily email updates but, he did not make it and it just crushed us. My heart is broken and we miss him so much. The to top that off, we got stuck in NY for an additional two days thanks to the blizzard and we were going stir crazy. We just wanted to get home.

When we finally did, we were greeted by two happy dogs but Chaplin's presence was missing. We were all missing him. I catch myself trying to find him or one of the dogs is looking for him. And then it hits you, he is gone.

I was never a cat person and he was a compromise with Hubs. Yet, once he picked us out because he did, we were hooked. Chaplin was a sweet, funny, loving , patient and brave boy who fast became part of us.

We are missing him so much

So while 2011 has unlimitless possibilities. I am finding it hard to close the door on all the crap that was 2010.

Finally feeling the season

I am spending a Monday in my PJs, catching up on the Daily Show and relishing the fact that I am off until the new year. The past few months at work have been less than stellar and I am glad to be out of the toxic-ness that is slowly becoming contagious.

Wo today and tomorrow we will be wrapping up some shopping, some cleaning, some gift giving and some packing because we are heading to NY in a few days for the holidays. I am so glad to be spending Christmas with my family, it has been three years and this is the first Christmas that Hubs will be spending with my family. My mom is very excited at first it was going to be a quiet holiday with my parents, my brother and my aunt but, once my other aunt got wind we were coming she and some of her family are now coming. So we went from six to 12 and two of them are kids. So that means more shopping but that will be done in NY.

We are also going to spend a day with a number of friends at an after Christmas lunch. I can't wait to see them. I have been missing them so much lately, my homesickness has reared its head over the past few weeks. With all the other crap that is going on in our lives, it will be good to catch up.

So for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to Christmas!

The only constant in change

Over the past few months I have been feeling like a situation that I have dealt with when I was a lot younger. The difference is the people and the common element is me. So I have a few choices, I can continue to let it bother me or I can change how I deal with the situation. I tend to lean towards the negative but then it festers and I get more upset and then start to close up.

I want to lean towards letting it go, letting the thing that is bothering me go. It is so much easier to write than than to actually hit on the tried and true solution of releasing the feelings. It is something that I am trying to figure out not just with this particular situation but with a few other situations as well. It is something that each person has to deal with it their own way.

Usually it heads towards blaming and doubting myself and I beat myself up. Sometimes it turns into a full out pity party.

I want it change the cycle. I want to let some things go or better yet accept things for what they are and (a big and) be ok with it.

Maybe I have my 2011 resolution.

Vacation recovery

Well we are back from Vegas and all I got was a cold. Actually, I suspect it is from waiting over an hour in the taxi line at 11 pm when we got back to Chicago. Our flight was early but there were a number of flights that were delayed and landed around the same time that ours did so the line was way too long for my liking.

However, Vegas was a lot of fun. We ate so much good and bad food everything from fried pickles to sweet potato tots to the most amazing hot chocolate that I ever had!

But we worked most of it off by walking just to get to the front door of our hotel required a 5 minute walk from the elevators.

We spent our days just hanging out with no real plans. One night we saw the Penn and Teller show at the Rio. They were really amazing and down to earth. After each show they hang out in the lobby for photos, autographs and a quick chat. They were very gracious and that Teller is quite a flirt!

While the guys went to shoot some machine guns, my BFF and I took her daughter to the Mirage's secret garden where they had dolphins and the white tigers and lions from the former Sigfried and Roy show. Their 9 month old daughter was a blast, she was so easy going and we actually had a good time with her. She would go with the flow and if she was tired she would take a nap while we did what we did (which was mainly walk).

Hubs won big, well big enough to pay for our hotel room with a comp spin of a slot machine. I did not come out on top I lost but granted I only played with $20 dollars a day so it was not too bad. My bff and I were drooling over the various stores and let me tell you if I won big I would have come home with some really beautiful clothes.

So we had a good time and just have to survive this week and then I am off for the rest of the year.

Oh and recover from this cold

A pre Holiday vacation

We have decided to get out of Chicago for a few days and hang out in the neon oasis in the desert...V-E-G-A-S. We are going t meet up with my best friend her husband and her baby...yep they are bringing my "niece" (I was given the title of honor of "aunt"). I am in such a need of a bf fix. I have not seen her in ages and I have really been missing her over the past few weeks. She is truly my soul sister

I am getting more and more excited as we get closer to departing. It seemed like it was so far away and then it is just days away. We still have a lot to do before we actually leave so we hare cramming a bunch of things in the next day and we still have to pack. I am not sure what to bring, it will be in the 50s and sunny. I have a feeling that tonight, tomorrow and Sunday afternoon will be a packing un-packing and re-packing frenzy.

The best part is that we have no definite plans other than a show and dinner one night. We are just going to play it by ear and pig out. One stop is going to be this place actually we may be there a few times.

Have you been to Vegas, any suggestions of things to do?

Post turkey day

We had a great low key Thanksgiving weekend. We packed up the girls and headed for the burbs. They had such a fun time with their grandpaw. He had secret treats for them and they got to run and run and run all over the back yard. Not to mention, they got an extra lap to sit in and he allowed them to climb on to the sofa! So yea, they were spoiled but, came home so exhausted that they slept all day Friday and most of Saturday.

We humans ate, drank and were merry. We had a feast with way to much food and three pies for four people (duct tape sister in law did not show up, she had to work at 8 am on Black Friday and eating at 4:30 was apparently too late for her). So we had tons of leftovers which lead to a number of mini turkey comas throughout the weekend.

On Saturday we braved the crowds and headed out to do some Christmas shopping. I have got my brother and my dad their gifts. Hubs wanted some shoes on and we found some so he got a few early presents which he will need when it starts to snow.

We just have to get through the week and then we are on vacation. I am trying to figure out what to pack, apparent it will be in the 50s in VEGAS. That is right we are heading to Vegas for a few days with my friend , her husband and her daughter. I am looking forward to being away for a few days, work has been so drama filled and slow that it is sucking life away.

So just a few more days....now what to pack!

A quiet holiday

I can't believe that next week is Thanksgiving. The fall just flew by but thankfully we still have some leaves and the fall crispness (rather than freezing) is still in the air.

This yer, we re staying in town or rather in the 'burbs for the day. It is typical an event where my in laws convene and the kids are hyped up on various degrees of a sugar high. Which leads to fights, tears and insanity. This year they will be spending the holiday in Florida at a well know kid friendly amusement park. My other in laws are spending it with the other side f the family or out of town.

So it just leaves Hubs, his dad, his brother, his wife and me. So enter the low key holiday. We are going to spend the day and night with my father in law. He is in charge of the turkey and stuffing and we will be making the rest of the side dishes. So we have our menu planned out except for the veggie.

Oh and we are bringing the two dogs with us. They love their grandpaw. He always has treats ready and tends to feed them under the table. As soon as we say grandpas, they wag their tails and Yukon (who has know him the longest) starts to herd us as to tell us to hurry up and let's go.

We are not sure if my brother in law and sister in law will be there. There has ben a lot of tension between them and everyone else. So they have been known to make excuses as soon as they are invited and sure enough they made one last week. But then they ma have changed their mind and will show up. But they may change their mind again.

I will have to post all about this particular sister in law in another post. She is quite a character in fact at our wedding she wore a dress....and used duct tape to keep it up. As she started to dance after a few trips to the open bar the dress kept getting shorter and shorter and the duct tape was more and more apparent. To t his day we have people w ho still talk about the girl in the duct tape.

So what is your favorite veggie side dish?

Looking at the other side of the coin

I am feeling like i have been caught up in the spiral of unhappiness and only I can really do anything to change it. So I have decided to take a good hard look at what it means to be happy and what I can do to make myself happier.

The simple thing is to look at the things that I am thankful for so here is a list:

• My husband
• My family
• My beasts, no matter what they make me smile
• The funny random e-mails that I get from my dad and my father in law
• My friends
• Wacky messages on FB
• The ability to pay off bills each month and how I am starting to accumulate savings
• My fireplace
• Hot Chocolate
• Shoes, make up and girly things
• planning vacations
• Julia Child and how she stated cooking in her 30s,
• the down comforter that I get to curl up in each night
• The upcoming holiday in NY
• Pasta
• White wine
• sleeping in
• the last of the fall leaves

What are you thankful for these days?

Waiting for the end...of October

I am looking forward to the end of this month, it was just not a good month, there was more sadness than I expected....

The low lights:

-A lot of tears

-Stressed eating (or non-eating) habits

-Gaining weight

-A troubling blood test

-Feeling useless at your job and no new jobs or interviews on the horizon

-Being slighted by friends

-Saying bye to a good friend as she moves back to the east coast

But the things that I am looking forward to

-Halloween party with the neighbors

-The dogs' costumes

-Finding "our" groove again and the mutual feeling that we will be better than before

-That we are going on vacation in a few weeks with my best friend, her husband and baby

-Knowing that I will only work 6 days in December

-Holidays in NYC

So I want to focus on the positive and say see ya to October and know that the rest of the year will be so much better.

down the ladder

So, I have been looking for a job for almost a month. I have polished up my resume, had it reviewed, drafted cover letters and started to apply for jobs. I was thinking that I had some time and that my current job would remain in a holding pattern.

But it has gone bad to worse. so much so that today, I was asked to revert back to my admin days. Not just a step back, but like a decade step back. I was asked to "pitch in" and help since a number of people were laid off and or quit that two departments are short staffed. It is not surprising that this has happened, my boss warned me about this a few weeks back. I told my boss that I have no problem helping out but it must have a defined end date that must not exceed a few weeks. He agreed. However, with today's "offer" 9think Godfather offer you can't refuse) that this is indefinite.

Pissed does not even cover what I feel. the person who offered me the job is not my boss nor in my department and I have helped him with projects in the past. But he burned me badly a few weeks back when I was pulled from my major all consuming project so, as you can imagine, I am not in the mood to do him any favors.

So, I have a call with my boss to discuss this new turn of events. He knows that I am not happy nor have I been over the past few weeks. He also is not too thrilled with the way things are playing out. But I suspect that his power has diminished and his hands tied.

This month has been one for the records, I really can't take any more stress. My body is feeling the effects.

I am not sure how much I can take.

making it about us

Relationships are hard, they ebb and flow they get crossed up in the cross hairs of arguments, laughter, communications and silence.

Marriages fall into that category, except perhaps they are a bit more complicated because you add this layer of intimacy or rather many layers of intimacy. It is a sacred friendship, one that you don't have with your parents, your siblings or your friends, it is a different creature..

So when your marriage is rocked or when your world is broken, how can you deal? How do you deal?

Right now, things are rough. Our world has been rocked, our life turned on its head and we are trying to each figure out what to do.

I came very close so close to walking away. That would have been the easy thing to do. But when something means so much to you, you fight. The things that matter are worth fighting for. And regardless of the outcome, we tried and we fought to stay together, to rebuild.

He and I want to become "us" again. It is not going to be simple nor quick but we want "us" back and are each willing to fight for "us" to exist.

We started therapy tonight and I feel a bit better. I have some glimmer of hope that this hiccup in our relationship will make us stronger. There will be a lot of work to do, more tears to be shad, thoughts to be thought. But we can only try to make "us" whole again.

I wanted to thank you for all your support. The comments, text messages, calls and email were so appreciated. When you go through this, you can easily feel isolated and alone but, I feel connected to you all and I thank you. It means so much!

I am also keeping the cause of this rough patch to myself (our self) I consider it a part of what we have to deal with and want to work on it rather than expose it. Maybe one day I will but for now, it is the catalyst to change.

Broken

I am so broken right now. The tops of my cheeks are so puffy from crying on and off all night and all morning.

I am trying to figure out if I can forgive and forget. Can you forget how in a moment your world shattered into splinters? Or forget the way things used to be? Can you forgive the greviance and forget the unspeakable pain?

I am at a major life crossroads and all I know is that my world is changed and I will never be the same.

Won't you be my neighbor?

The other day I did something uncharacterist , I invited a neighbor over for dinner.

I am very introverted and it sometimes takes a lot of mental prep to get out of my shell. I am used to be a homebody and being alone. I never had a large group of friends but a handful of close ones. And most of them live on the east coast and our lives sometimes make it hard to connect. It was (and still is) hard to make friends. I have a rough history of people who I considered friends turn and decide not to hang out with me anymore...Kids can be cruel. so that has left some scars and had made the saying "once bitten twice shy" more and more relevant as I got older.

When C moved in and we met, I said to myself (in my head) she seems nice and is someone who I would like to know. Then wedding planning and my intorversion (is that even a word?) took over. A few weeks ago, we had a condo meeting and she happened to sit next to us and we started making small talk when she mentioned that Tim Gunn was coming to Chicago and as I was about to mention that we should go, the meeting began. She had to dash as soon as it was over.

So I sent her an email asking if she wanted to go. She was onboard and started to work out the logistics only to realize that she was going to start a class that day and could not go. But we made tentative plans to get together.

So the other day, I pulled the trigger and asked her over to dinner. She accepted and we made plans. On Wedensday she came over with a cheese tray and a lovely bottle of wine. It was a bit awkward at first but, we soon warmed up and began to laugh and chat. I was so glad to have company since Hubs was travelling and it was nice to just get to know somebody.

She dropped me a note telling me how much fun she had and invited me over next week for drinks and a movie night.

The next part of my plan is to have her and her husband over to hang out with us I feel a game night coming on.

Tidbits

So it is another lazy Sunday. The Hubs just left for his third trip to Canada so it is just me and the beasts. I have gotten used to it but, it does not make it easier. I have found myself antsy at times but, I have found some things to keep me busy and we have our daily video chats.

One of the top thins on my "to do" list is my resume. It is official, I am looking for a new job!

I have not been let go but, one of my major project that I was working on as a PM was pulled from me by my bosses new boss. I was 97% complete before it was pulled form me and I was not happy. The past few weeks have been incredibly weird and stressful. With the loss of some key players of our executive team and the quiet acquisition by a sister company it has become apparent that the way we have been doing things are not the way things will be done now.

The change is palpable and with some ears on the ground and with some honest conversations with my boss. I am seeing more and more that I may not fit the new mold. And I am okay with it and decided to make change happen so I am going to start to look for a new job.

I was encouraged after a number of conversations with my husband and then speaking with one of my neighbors. She is very well connected and helped talked me through some ideas and has given me the push that I needed to pull myself together and take the plunge.

As nervous as I am, I find myself very excited about the possibilities. The initial search that I did has netted me some job leads and really amazing opportunities out there for my skill set.

So what are your job searching tips?

Week one, day one

This week starts the Hubs six to eight week sojourn to Canada for work. Granted he will be home on the weekends but, I am not used to being alone. It is strange to thank that a couple of years ago I was living by myself and did not depend on anybody. It is not to say I depend on him but, I am so used to having him around to help with the dogs, help with dinner or even just have a conversation with. So it will be weird at first but, we will get used to it.

So this weekend, he had a list of things to tackle around the house. This was done, of course, after the Renegade art fair. If you have never been the Renagade art fair is a done at various weekends around the country and features crafters from all over and their unique goods. Almost all of the vendors are on etsy, so it was fun to see the variety. I thought that I would be the one burning through the cash but it turned out that Hubs took the cake. He had so much fun, and loved the quirkiness of it all. He kept looking at the different booths saying I want this, or we should get that. He restrained himself to a really cool graphic print, a laptop case and some quirky postcards. But we ended up with a number of business cards and websites for future purchases.

Looking back at the summer, we had some really great weekends together and with friends. Last weekend, we took the dogs and went to the burbs to visit friends. She invited Yukon and Rosie to play and run with her dogs. She has two big dogs and they were so thrilled to have friends over. As soon as we got there and took Yukon off her leash she took off and ran and played then pooped out before her second and third and fourth wind. You would never know she is going to be 12! Rosie ran the joint. My friend has an alpha female dog who is the boss but, when Rosie came along there was a wee power struggle and Rosie won. So there is this 8 pound dog running and playing with a 60 pound dog who would drop the toy if Rosie ran up to her.

So it starts, a few days each week without Hubs.

Any book recommendations?

Ramblings cause I am sick

I have this weird plague thing going on. OK it may not be an actually plague but I am sick. It started off with a sore throat that lead to a runny/stuffy nose that lead to a slight on-again off-again fever. Jealous much? I have been working from home in my pjs and whining to the dogs about how miserable I am. They just look at me and go back to sleep.

I am just glad that I am sick the week that Hubs is home. Because for the next 6-8 weeks, Hubs will be commuting back and forth from Chicago to Toronto. Meaning that he will leave for Canada on Sunday or Monday and be home on Friday. He has been working on a project for over a year and it is taking a direction that requires people on the team to work in Canada and he was chosen.

He suspected that this may happen and when it happened, I was not happy I am ok with business travel, hell I spent two weeks in NJ last year for a project (that never happened) but 6-8 weeks when it was suppose to be two weeks max. Then I realized that he may not be home for my birthday but, he assures me that he will because he has a sleep study the day before my birthday. Smart man.

So, I have been thinking of ideas on how to keep busy when he is in Canada*. here is my list so far

1-Clean the floors in all the rooms,
2-Clean the grout in the bathroom
3-Bead
4.Work with Rosie on her doggy manner class homework

I don't want to spend most of my time watching television, I want to be somewhat productive. I admit that there will be times when I will plop on the couch and turn on the tube but, I want to try to make that the exception rather than the norm.

What ideas do you have? Mind you, I can't do anything immediately after work because I have to come home and walk the dogs.

*We did talk about me coming up to visit him in Canada but I have to get my passport changed. Since I took his name my passport has my old one. Plus we are trying to watch our pennies.

Nine lives

I think that I have nine lives and right now I am in life five. Last week, we had a round of layoffs in my office. I knew they were coming and I knew who would be given the pink slip. I wasn't "in the know" as a manager or was told by somebody but I read the writing on the wall. See, I have been in this position before when you know that things are bad, you know that they are letting people in different offices go, you see the public financial reports and then whoop, here is another acquisition. This particular acquisition had a catch, it had a number of people who did the same thing and a few jobs that would not be relevant. We were warned that the top brass was looking for the best of the best. And last week, those who did not make the cut were let go.

It sucks to watch this unfold, seeing HR call people one by one and seeing them come out in tears and packing up their desk and heading out in less than 10 minutes start to finish. I have seen it four times before and probably will see it over the life cycle of my career. It sucks, survivor guilt I suppose.

Then to top this all off, our senior management was shaken up and the results have wrecked morale and stirred up the rumor mill. And thus began the chain of events, after the all of the layoffs; a few people quit. Our office when from a lively place a few months ago to a very quiet one. We lost staff to the other office and the lay offs. I

So where do I stand, I am safe for now and probably will be for a few more months. I hold a unique position in the company and right now I am busier than ever. It is not to say when I am done with my projects, they won't show me the door. It does say that I have to get a few ducks in order so that I am prepared to do what needs to be done for me. It has given me time to reflect on my job(s) and what I want to be when I grow up.

But at the same time, the opportunities are endless.

Have you been through a lay off? How did it affect you?

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Hubs is doing much better, he saw a top notch cardio last week who thinks that this was an isolated event give the fact that Hubs is healthy. However, he does want to rule out a few things so the Hubs will have to undergo a stress test, wear a heart monitor and have a sleep study over the next few weeks. Better safe than sorry!

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts!

Our second year and our first adventure

Hubs and I celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend. It is so strange to think that we celebrated a year, in a way it feels that we got married just last week but, have been together for a long time.

We celebrated a day early with an indulgent dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. We had wonderful wine, a great dinner and a luxe dessert We even got our neighbors to take our photo, prom style. It was a nice quiet evening that we just celebrated our marriage. Sunday was the actual day and we spent the morning in doggy school. Rosie has been signed up for intermediate doggy manners class to work out some behaviors. After class, we picked up my gift for Hubs. a replica wedding cake. For our wedding we had a small cake to cut and had cupcakes for our guests. So I had our cake replicated.

That evening we had cake and sparkling wine with one of my bridesmaids.

But, that evening started one of the scariest moments of my life.

Hubs went to bed complaining that his heart felt like it was racing. He did not sleep and when he got up in the morning he was not feeling better. He took the dogs out and came back all sweaty and exhausted for a simple walk. He did not want to go to the hospital or the doctor, he thought that it would pass. So we went to the store and after he made it past the front door red and sweaty, I made him call his doctor. So right in the paper good asile, the nurse told him to go to the ER

After a quick trip home for a shower, to pack a few things and grab a sandwich. We have both been to the ER before and knew the wait could be a while.

so we got to the hospital and they took us in right away. Within minutes, he was in a bed with electrodes on his chest an IV in his arm and a bunch of nurses and a doctor in his "room". His heart was in a fib. His heart was at 177-200 beat a minute! A normal heart is around 77-89. They started to rush around him adding meds to his IV and talking him through the process. We all stood by the monitor watching the numbers work their way down. At the same time, his blood pressure dropped. So they slowed down the med and he was made to lay down.

It seemed like an eternity before the numbers started to get into the normal range but, reality was only a few minutes. They had to give him a does a blood thinner to prevent clots due to his low BP. This gained him admission to the hospital. Once stabilized, he began to make jokes with the nurses and the doctors and tried to make me laugh.

I was so afraid, I could not believe what was happening. I got scared and began to get tears in my eyes. There was no way I could lose him, there was no way, we were just starting. He assured me that he was not going anywhere! He began to tease me how he always promised me adventure and I teased him that he had to stick around to kill bugs and reach the high shelves.

He got a room a few hours later and I went home to grab a few things for him. He stayed in the hospital for a few days for observation and got released on Wednesday evening. His brother and sister in law came by to visit, our neighbors took care of our dogs in the evenings so I could be with Hubs and our phone and facebook had messages of support from our friends and family.

He got released with orders to see the cardiologist. The doctors could not find a reason why this happened but we just have to make sure it does not happen again. So he is not allowed coffee or booze and is on some meds.

So our first week of our second year together began with a wild adventure. I told him that this is the worst that I will allow this year to be so only good things from now on. We made it through this together, he leaned on me, and I had to be brave. He always promised me an adventure, and together we will face it all.

Happy anniversary, babe. For better and worse, in sickness and in health. I love you always.