Thursday, October 30, 2008

The dog barks at night...

The title sounds like there is a secret spy network and that is a code name for a top secret project….maybe it is or maybe it isn't. Maybe the dog DID bark at midnight and woke me up. Maybe it was not a doggy dream. Maybe she was protecting her mommy and kitty bro because her dad was out of town. Maybe….

So I have a totally huge brain jumble going on. I have so many ideas for the wedding and things to do but haven't a clue about how to tackle it all. So here is the root of the plan that we have to work on. First we have to pick a date.

Now that does not seem to be too difficult but since we are having a Catholic church wedding and we don't belong to a parish that is a tad difficult. The BF and I found one that we liked a few weeks ago but we just have to register as parishioners and see if we can meet with the priest and then pick a date. So that is the task we are faced with tomorrow. I will be working from home and the BF may work from home so we can dash over at lunch. Or at least that is the plan.
Sure we can have a wedding without the whole church part but, I wanted it. Now I am not much of a practicing Catholic, I have a deep aversion to plaid, a healthy fear of nuns, a deep respect for Franciscan friars and know about theology, biblical studies, Catholic thought in the modern world and morality-thank you all the years of Catholic school. I have also come up with my own ideas and thoughts that contradict what I learned. But that is what the whole liberal arts critical thinking Catholic college instilled in me which was question everything and think for yourself.

Regardless, getting married in a church has some elements of tradition that I hold strong. both the BF and I had parents who were/are married to each other for so long. Saying part of the vows that our parents, our grandparents, our great-grandparents said just has this link, this bond that runs and that means something.

The rest of the wedding will be more reflective of us.

The one issue that I am having a problem resolving is whether or not to include my SIL. I am not close with her, I have nothing against her but very little in common with her. I see her 3-5 times a year at most and don't really have any sort of relationship other than her being my brother's wife. However, because she is my brother's wife my parents are bullying me into having her as part of the bridal party. My issue with this is that by having her in the wedding means I have to not ask one of my good friends, a friend whom I have known for almost 15 years to be in the wedding. My conflict is that my friend has been there through the ups and downs and my SIL is not a friend to me.

This caused a much expected argument with the parents. The BF hit the nail on the head when he said to me later that night that from his perspective, the fact that my mom wants this picture perfect family and as such is forcing me to be her friend , to like her, to bond. Which in turns causes me to naturally resist. If my mom let it be, then things will fall into place and we can develop a relationship organically.

I want to limit the bridal party to a few people and this whole issue has upset me. I know I am damned if I do and damned if I don't but the real issue is the question what would cost me the most down the line. It will be thrown in my face in a few months, years, decades if I don't include her. So I've decided to bite the bullet and ask her. Not that I am too pleased about it but in reality it is a drop in the bucket and I have a lot of things in this planning process to look forward too.

Question for you all. The BF has 5 nieces and 1 nephews that range in age from 2-13. I would like to ask the oldest girl and the only boy (the two oldest) to be part of the wedding. But if I do that, I will exclude their sister and their three cousins. I just think that 6 kids in the wedding party is too much. The three girls who we see the most often can get really hyper, rude and just unruly. I am not too keen on including them. the other three are just peaches, so polite, fun and just good kids. But can I get away with just asking the two oldest or should it be best not to ask them at all?

Weddings are just so political!


Chris said...

The little kids may feel a tiny bit left out right now, but in reality, that too is a drop in the bucket and they won't remember or care later. :) Go with the two that you want, and the parents should understand. After all, they're not paying for it.

Nilsa said...

My dear, this is only the first of many family hurdles you will encounter as you plan your wedding. Remember, this day is yours. And the BF's. And it should reflect the best of you. If you set the precedent now that your mother gets her way, my guess is it could get worse as you get into the planning details.

My question to you is ... down the road, years after you're married ... will you regret not asking your close friend? If the answer is yes, come up with a creative way to have your friend as a bridesmaid and include your SIL. Maybe she is a reader. Maybe she sings or plays an instrument and can be involved that way. Maybe she is creative and can help design the invites or programs. There are a million ways to make someone feel included without going against your own grain.

We had a similar issue with Sweets' nephew. Sweets and I decided no children. And his parents took great offense this included his 2 1/2 year old nephew. We knew we were hurting their feelings, but there were a million reasons not to include him (or any other children). We stuck to our guns, but ... tried to come up with a compromise that would include him in other ways on our special day. And by compromising (for us, it meant including him in pictures before the wedding, but not the wedding/reception itself), we made room for everyone to feel satisfied.

As far as the kids are concerned, I go back to my original comment. This is YOUR wedding. And most people will understand and respect your decisions, especially when they make sense (i.e., I'm trying to keep the wedding party small).

Christina said...

C-Very true

N-I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. My mother has a very stubbon and mean streak to her that allows things to fester for years then blow up at once. But we will get through this all.

Jessica said...

It shouldn't be a problem to ask the two oldest kids. I'll ask my mom if there was any hard feelings when my aunt got married. There were at least a dozen nieces and nephews, but my aunt asked just the two oldest.