empty

It was a rough night for me, I did not sleep well.

I really don't think that anyone can really get why I am so upset/sad. It is not that my brother found someone it is more like I haven't. Call it envy or jealousy, it is one and the same. I know what the drama will be ahead and the family issues that are going to come out of it. I am already the "misfit" on my dad's side and my brother's girlfriend is everyone's favorite replacement. Heck she gets better Christmas gifts and does not have to sit at the "kids" table, unlike me, the forgotten one who just does not fit anyway.

At the same time, I wish that it was me. I wish that this gaping hole in my life was filled. The sucky thing is that this hole in my life, this desire to be loved by some one I love, cared for by someone I care for and wanted by someone I want...this is beyond my control and I am powerless. I am getting older and it does not quell the need that I have to have someone complete in my life but there is not a thing I can do to make that happen. I'm getting to the point where I don't think that it ever will.

I'm tired of weddings and pretending to care about dresses, flowers, invites. Why should I, they are not my problems and there is nothing I can do about them. Plus brides don't want your opinion anyway.

I don't want to go to NY now, I just know that it is not where I fit. I am like that puzzle piece that has an edge broken so it just dose not fit right anywhere. That is me...Home is where the heart is and I don't belong to anyone's heart.